FF7: Advent Children My Way
by bladecatcher86
Summary: Exactly what the rather uncreative title suggests, a scene by scene spoof of the film. Rated M for profanity, some crude sexual humor, brief nudity in Chapter 12, and no fewer than 7 action scenes. Complete. Read, review, and enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**PLEASE NOTE: This fic is rated M primarily for strong profanity, and also for some crude sexual humor, a very brief instance of nudity, and no fewer than seven kicka-- action scenes (censored for those of you who don't like the swearing). If any of this bothers or offends you in any way, don't read this. If not, then knock yourself out.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I do not own Square Enix, _FF VII_, _Advent Children_, or any of its characters. Perhaps I should purchase stocks in Square Enix. Maybe that way I could technically be considered a partial owner of all this stuff and I wouldn't have to include any disclaimers. I doubt this helps, but I do own copies of _FF VII_, _FF IX_, and _FFX_. Also, I'd like to thank the guy over at (I think his user name was Heroic Mario or something like that)who postedthe English-version script of _Advent Children_. It proved to be most helpful, as believe it or not I don't own a copy of the film. (My friend does.) Also, I don't know if I have to say this, but I noticed thatthere's another fic by Rozalia Claennis that has the same "scene-by-scene parody" concept. Ijust want to make it clear right off the bat that I didn't take any ideas from that fic or any others that may share this conceptand if there are any similarities at allbetweenthose and mine it is purely coincidental and not intended.

And so, with that, my first-ever contribution to begins. Read, review, and above all else, ENJOY!

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_Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children MY WAY_

1. IN WHICH WE ARE (RE-) INTRODUCED TO OUR HEROES

**(Scene: 500 years after the ending of _FF7_. This is the part where RED XIII takes his cubs to see what's left of Midgar – that big, important city from the game for those of you in the audience who didn't play it. Only, since Square Enix was a bit reluctant to spend too much money on another _FF_ movie after the last one tanked so spectacularly, they just took the actual footage from the game and assumed that nobody would remember the game well enough to notice. In their defense, it was pretty tough to get to this scene unless you had Omnislash and were at, like, level 75, because Safer Sephiroth kept kicking your ass with that fucking Supernova spell. So it's safe to say that nobody remembers it that well. Except for FF7 FANBOYS, that is. Also, it is important to note that this will be the last time any major _FF7_ character aside from CLOUD, TIFA, RENO, RUDE, and RUFUS is seen in the film for the next hour or so.)**

**(Scene changes to the Northern Cave. It is now two years after the events of the game, making the previous scene completely irrelevant to the remainder of the film.)**

ELENA: Hey, Tseng! Look! I found it!

TSENG: Um….what is it?

ELENA: What do you _mean_, "what is it?" This is what we came here to find!

TSENG: What do I mean? I can't see _shit_ because of all this fucking smoke in the air, _that's_ what I mean.

ELENA: Oh…well, don't worry too much about it. Our work here is done. Now we just have to take it back…

TSENG: Well, could you at least tell me what it is instead of being so vague about it? I mean, the viewers at home might be interested, seeing as how the writers decided this thing was so important that they had to base the opening scene of the movie around it.

ELENA: And spoil the surprise of its eventual revelation? Do you know _anything _about how movies work, Tseng? Or how screenwriters think? Because I do.

RENO: (from helicopter in the air) Aww…the happy couple experiences their first fight. How cute.

ELENA: Oh, shut up, Reno!

TSENG: Yeah! We're just trying to lengthen this scene as much as we can since it's the only time we show up in the whole goddamn movie.

ELENA: Besides, we're not even a couple anyway.

TSENG: We're not?

ELENA: Of course we're not!

TSENG: Then how do you explain last night?

RENO: (laughing hysterically) Oh, _snap_! Now what, Elena?

ELENA: (obviously pissed) How 'bout you bring down that chopper so we can bring this thing home and I can kick your ass?

RENO: (still laughing as he descends the chopper) I'd love to see you try…

ELENA: I don't _need_ to try, you little – oh, _shit_!

(Gunshots ring out.)

RENO: Whoa! What the fuck is going on? Is someone shooting at me?

TSENG: No, you idiot! They're shooting at _us_! Now bring down that chopper and save us!

RENO: Hey, I'm goin' as fast as I can here! You're just gonna have to be patient!

TSENG: Oh, fuck modern technology, man! Always screwing up when you need it most!

(The gunshots continue.)

ELENA: Ow! Just…forget about us, Reno! Get out of here and save yourself!

RENO: Well, all right…it's your funerals. Nice knowing you guys.

(RENO flies away.)

**(Scene changes to a series of flashbacks from the original game, complete with narration from LITTLE KID #1 – I think the game called her MARLENE – that I just don't feel like writing out right now 'cause I'm lazy. Besides, if you played the game, then you know all of this stuff already! And if you didn't…then what are you watching this for? I'm sure you can find a copy of the game somewhere on eBay.)**

**(Scene changes to a house in a nameless city – the film never reveals its name for some reason – where LITTLE KID #2 – we'll name him DENZEL after Denzel Washington because he's awesome – is lying in bed, apparently feeling ill. MARLENE is also present.)**

MARLENE: (narrating) It looks like the planet still isn't very happy with us…they call it geostigma.

CASUAL GAMER: I gotta tell ya, few things confuse me more when watching a movie than when I hear the disembodied narrating voice of a character that's currently on-screen.

FF7 FANBOY: SSH!

DENZEL: How is it?

MARLENE: (narrating) It looks as if he has a few weeks left to live. (to DENZEL) It looks…fine. (narrating again) Please, Mr. Planet, don't kill Denzel. What did he ever do to you?

**(Scene changes again, but CASUAL GAMER pauses the film.)**

CASUAL GAMER: Hold up. What exactly _is_ this geostigma thing?

FF7 FANBOY: Dude. Aren't you paying attention to the movie?

CASUAL GAMER: Yeah. And I still don't know what it is.

FF7 FANBOY: (sighs) It's a disease, okay? It's a really bad disease that mostly affects kids, has no known cure, and can kill quickly.

CASUAL GAMER: How does it do that?

FF7 FANBOY: It's got something to do with the Planet and the Lifestream being contaminated and infecting people with the disease. I don't really know all the details of what it does. It's actually kinda complicated, but that's just a basic idea.

CASUAL GAMER: So would that explain those black bruises on the kid's face?

FF7 FANBOY: Yeah, he's got it too.

CASUAL GAMER: So basically, it's like a version of the Black Death that the Planet itself can give you.

FF7 FANBOY: I'm not sure if it's exactly like that, but if you wanna think of it that way, go right ahead.

CASUAL GAMER: Can I ask you one more question before we un-pause the movie?

FF7 FANBOY: What?

CASUAL GAMER: Why couldn't they have just told us all that in the movie? Why do we have to know this going into the movie?

FF7 FANBOY: Because it's made for people like me who are actually willing to find all this stuff out, rather than people like you who want the film to assume that everyone in the audience is stupid.

CASUAL GAMER: Fuck you, man. (un-pauses the film)

**(Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah. The scene switches to a bar in said nameless city, where an impossibly hot brunette is cleaning glasses behind the counter. That's right – it's TIFA in all her CG glory. Fanboys, start your masturbating – preferably after the film is over and you're alone in your mom's basement with your _PSM _Swimsuit issue where the rest of us can't see you.)**

(The phone rings.)

TIFA: (to herself) He's not here anymore…

CASUAL GAMER: Who's "he"?

FF7 FANBOY: Cloud, of course.

CASUAL GAMER: So, they're living together now?

FF7 FANBOY: Yep.

CASUAL GAMER: Does that mean they're…y'know…an item?

FF7 FANBOY: Nope.

CASUAL GAMER: So Cloud's been living with her for two years and still hasn't hit that? Refresh my memory – was he that much of a dumbass in the game?

FF7 FANBOY: He was even worse in the game, actually. Although they might have hooked up at the end of Disc 2, but the game never tells you exactly what went on.

(The phone continues to ring.)

TIFA: Oh, fine, I'll get it. (answers the phone) Strife Delivery Service, you name it, we deliver it. How may I help you?

CALLER: (in a deep, spooky voice) Have you checked the children?

TIFA: Very funny, Reno. So, what is it?

RENO: Dammit, I have to work on my voices. So, anyway… (continues talking, but for some reason we can't hear what he says)

TIFA: All right, I'll let him know you called. And for the last time, no, I don't want to go out with you, so stop asking.

CASUAL GAMER: Why not? Reno seems like a pretty cool guy. They'd probably hit it off.

FF7 FANBOY: It's because she really likes Cloud.

CASUAL GAMER: And let me guess…it's fairly obvious to everyone except Cloud.

FF7 FANBOY: How long did you say it's been since the last time you played this game?

CASUAL GAMER: Three years. You wanted your copy back, remember?

**(Scene switches to a wolf sniffing around a sword.)**

CASUAL GAMER: What's with the wolf?

FF7 FANBOY: It's a symbol.

CASUAL GAMER: What's it supposed to symbolize?

FF7 FANBOY: Uh…you'll find out eventually.

CASUAL GAMER: You have no idea, do you?

FF7 FANBOY: In my defense, the wolf _is_ a pretty random symbol.

**(Scene switches to CLOUD sitting on his motorcycle listening to his voicemail.)**

TIFA: Hey, Cloud. You got a call from Reno. He says he's got some work for you. Can't wait to see you when you come home…take care…bye. (blows a kiss)

CASUAL GAMER: And yet he still has no idea that she really likes him.

FF7 FANBOY: He knows that she likes him – as a friend. He just doesn't know if she likes him likes him.

CASUAL GAMER: Dude, that is _so_ fourth grade.

(CLOUD puts away his phone, puts on a pair of the most badass-looking sunglasses he can find in his pocket, and starts to drive.)

**(Scene shifts to three guys on motorcycles with silver hair. Er, the three guys have silver hair, not the motorcycles. Because that would be silly. From left to right, they are YAZOO, KADAJ, and LOZ.)**

YAZOO: Is that Cloud?

KADAJ: Yeah, that's him all right.

YAZOO: Funny, I figured he'd be taller.

KADAJ: …You do realize he's hundreds of feet away from us right now, don't you?

YAZOO: (anime-style sweat drop) Hee hee…of course I do. I was, uh, kidding. Yeah, I was kidding. So, uh, you think he'll like us?

KADAJ: We're the bad guys. He's the good guy. You do the math.

LOZ: Math never was his best subject, Kadaj…

YAZOO: Fuck you, Loz.

LOZ: (eyes water) Asshole!

YAZOO: Aww, don't cry, Loz! (laughs)

LOZ: I'm NOT crying! I…have something in my eye!

YAZOO: Funny how you always seem to get something in your eye whenever you get all emotional.

KADAJ: It's better than him saying his eyeballs are sweating.

YAZOO: Yeah…wait, you mean eyeballs don't sweat?

(a brief but very awkward silence)

KADAJ: …You know, Yazoo, just when I think you couldn't possibly be this stupid, you say something like this and remind me that of course you are. It becomes more and more painfully obvious to me with everything you say that when they decided to clone Sephiroth again I got all the superior genes and the rest were divided between you two nimrods. Just go after Cloud now before you say something else to embarrass me.

LOZ: Well, what are _you_ gonna do?

KADAJ: (pulls out cell phone) You see this? This is a cell phone, Loz. You use it to send phone calls to people you want to talk to or to receive calls from people who want to talk to you.

LOZ: I know what a fucking cell phone is, Kadaj.

KADAJ: Well, I just so happen to be expecting a phone call any minute now. And since it's kind of impossible to talk on the phone while driving a motorcycle while fighting someone who once defeated Sephiroth, I figured I'd stay behind so I don't miss it and/or get myself killed.

LOZ: Oh, sure, let us do all your dirty work for you. Some villain you are.

KADAJ: You're not gonna cry now, are you, Loz?

YAZOO: But we want cell phones too!

LOZ: Speak for yourself. I don't need a phone.

KADAJ: That's because you don't have any friends.

LOZ: Fuck you, Kadaj.

YAZOO: I still want a cell phone!

KADAJ: Well, tough shit. I'm the coolest one here, so I get to talk on the cell phone. Now go get Cloud! Come on! Shoo! Off with you! You're gonna make me miss my phone call.

LOZ: Oh, wouldn't _that_ be tragic.

KADAJ: Not as tragic as Square Enix going out of business because the audience didn't get all the kickass action scenes they were promised because you two were too worried about a cell phone to fight Cloud like you're supposed to. Now go away. Both of you. Now.

YAZOO: Fine. But I still want a cell phone.

**(YAZOO and LOZ exit in pursuit of CLOUD. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #1 ensues. YAZOO and LOZ occasionally make comments such as "Where's Mother?" or calling CLOUD "brother" – both to get on CLOUD's nerves and to give their voice actors something to do during the lengthy action scene. Eventually KICKASS ACTION SCENE #1 comes to a close and CLOUD is able to get away mostly unscathed, despite being vastly outnumbered by the two villains and a plethora of shadowy monsters throughout the fight. Meanwhile, KADAJ is just sitting around on the hill waiting for that phone call.)**

FF7 FANBOY: Man, that was fucking _awesome_! So awesome!

CASUAL GAMER: It was pretty cool, I guess.

FF7 FANBOY: WHAT! That was teh awesomeness!1!11! (And yes, he does pronounce "teh" and the ones.)

CASUAL GAMER: Dude, it's been done. I bet they paid the Wachowski brothers royalty fees for the use of those special effects.

FF7 FANBOY: Oh, come on! Couldn't you at least admit that it was a cool scene anyway? I mean, that teleportation thing that Loz did was soooo cool!

CASUAL GAMER: Yeah, it was pretty cool…when those two albino guys with the blond dreads did it in _The Matrix Reloaded_.

**(KADAJ finally gets the phone call. The conversation is with RENO. It's very brief and won't make much sense until later in the film. Trust me. I've seen the film. Even though I'm still writing its screenplay.)**

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Well, hope you enjoyed the first chapter. There are sixteen more where that came from. And they all came from my crazy li'l noggin. On to Chapter 2! 

**Fun Fact: **In its original form, as a single-spaced 10-pointMicrosoft Word document, this fic is 71 pages in length. Without all the spaces between lines of dialogue, it is just 45.


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I own nothing. Well, except this fic. Again, all reviews are appreciated.

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2. "YOU NAME IT, WE DELIVER IT – UNLESS IT'S PIZZA"

**(Scene switches to CLOUD traveling on his motorcycle to meet with RENO. On the way you hear several voice messages from CLOUD's cell phone.)**

BARRET: Hey, I finally get to say something! And man, is it ever something to say! Get this – I just found the biggest oil field you'll ever see! That's right, oil – y'know, black gold, Texas tea. I'm figurin' to move out to a sweet new place in Costa del Sol – y'know, swimming pools, movie stars. And I pity the fool who doesn't come over to check it out. So now we can go from dangerously depleting the Planet of one valuable resource to dangerously depleting the Planet of another resource that the Planet's life isn't quite as dependent on. And it's all thanks to me! So holla atcha boy! Peace!

TIFA: Reno called again. He says you'd better hurry. He sounded kind of nervous. I hope that's not a bad sign. It would really suck to have to save the world again after just saving it two years ago. I mean, I don't know about you, but I haven't leveled up since. Anyway, be careful over there. See you later.

**(CLOUD arrives at the Healin Lodge. He pulls out one of his _six_ oversized swords – yes, six – and brings it with him just in case. This proves to be a good decision, because for no apparent reason RENO decides to attack him the second he opens the door. CLOUD simply sidesteps and lets RENO run right past him. RENO charges out the door, stumbles as he tries to stop, and promptly trips and falls down the stairs. CLOUD shuts the door and locks it behind him as RUDE and RUFUS enter. RUDE considers attacking CLOUD but decides against it for fairly obvious reasons – read: CLOUD has a weapon; RUDE does not. Meanwhile, RUFUS is sitting in a wheelchair with a blanket over his head to conceal himself. This disguise will become completely useless in about fifteen seconds.)**

RUFUS: Nice reflexes, Cloud. Obviously you haven't lost your touch. That SOLDIER training you said you received really did serve you well.

CLOUD: (recognizing the voice) Rufus? Rufus Shinra?

(RUFUS's disguise has just become completely useless, but he keeps it on anyway because it makes him look more intimidating.)

CASUAL GAMER: Wait a second, didn't Rufus die near the end of Disc 2? What's he doing in this movie?

RUFUS: (as if he heard CASUAL GAMER's question) That day…the day of the explosion at the Shinra Building…

CLOUD: Is this gonna be a long story? Because I don't really care.

RUFUS: Would you let me finish?

CLOUD: No.

RUFUS: Well, fuck you. I'm finishing it anyway for continuity's sake. So anyway…the day of the explosion…

CLOUD: What do you want?

RUFUS: I'm getting to that…anyway, I managed to escape the Shinra building…

CLOUD: Who were those guys that attacked me?

RUFUS: Shut the fuck up…anyway, I managed to escape the Shinra building before it collapsed…

CLOUD: Uh… (running out of ways to shut RUFUS up) (snaps his fingers) I got it. Tifa's boobs: Real or fake? Discuss.

TIFA: (off-screen) Is he serious? He still hasn't figured it out?

DIRECTOR: It's Cloud. You know from personal experience how dense the guy is. You'd have to take your top off and let him squeeze them himself. And unfortunately, we're dealing with Square Enix and not Rockstar, so no "Hot Coffee" moments here. Besides, if I told you how many male gamers talked about this very subject it would make your head spin. Now, on with the scene.

RUFUS: All right. Oh, and for the record, I say they're fake.

RUDE: I can say with 100 certainty that they're real.

RUFUS: How in the hell would you know that?

RUDE: She's a video game character. Video game characters don't need plastic surgery.

CLOUD: (moderating the discussion) Ooh, point goes to Rude!

RUFUS: Yes, but as a CG character, her entire body is technically fake.

CLOUD: And Rufus ties it up…

RUFUS: Plus, look at this guy. (points to RUDE) He's only, what? Late twenties, early thirties at the oldest? And he's _already_ bald? He could use one of those hair-transplant procedures that are all the rage these days.

CLOUD: Oh, that's a two-pointer for Rufus! But I'll have to take one away for the low blow. Nothing below the belt, gentlemen. I want a good, clean fight.

RUDE: For your information, Mr. President, I shave my head regularly. And you wanna know why? It's because I don't want to risk looking like _him_ (points to CLOUD), that's why.

CLOUD: Point goes to you, Rude, but remind me to kick your ass later.

RUDE: Besides, with my salary being what it is – hint, hint – do you honestly think I can afford as much hair gel as Clou – um, the average male _Final Fantasy _character uses?

CLOUD: You're really pressing your luck here, Rude. But you get the point despite being a douche.

(A buzzer sounds.)

CLOUD: And with a score of three points to two, the winner of today's debate is Rude!

(Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling.)

TIFA: (shaking her head off-screen) I can't believe this…I'm speechless…

DIRECTOR: (holding buzzer) Can we get on with the scene, please?

RENO: (looking through the window) And could someone please let me in? The door is locked and I'm still out here, and it looks like it's gonna rain any minute now…

(CLOUD sees RENO looking through the window. He walks over to it and pulls the curtain closed, blocking RENO's view.)

RENO: Hey, fuck you!

RUFUS: Anyway, Cloud, you're probably wondering why I sent for you.

CLOUD: That is a pretty good question.

RUFUS: Listen, Shinra is willing to accept all responsibility for the Planet's condition. That's why we've been trying to set things right. So we sent Elena and Tseng to the Northern Cave to investigate the aftermath of Sephiroth's actions.

RENO: (looking in through another window) Hey, did those two ever come back?

(CLOUD walks over to the other window and pulls the curtain closed.)

RENO: That was a totally valid question, you prick!

CLOUD: (ignoring RENO) So what did you find?

RUFUS: (dramatic pause) … Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

CLOUD: How anticlimactic.

RUFUS: Yes…oh, and those three guys who attacked you?

CLOUD: Three? I only saw two.

RUFUS: Well, there are three. And they attacked our agents too. Their names are Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz.

CLOUD: And here I thought _Cloud_ was a silly name.

RUFUS: Apparently, they don't want us to go through with our plans. I'm hoping they explain why later in the film, because I just don't understand their motivation.

CLOUD: And you need me because…why, exactly?

RENO: Hey, come on, man! You're our friend, right?

CLOUD: I don't know. You tell me, Mr. Let's-Attack-Cloud-As-Soon-As-He-Walks-In-The-Front-Door.

RENO: You have a point. Also, I think it's beginning to rain a little. Just so you know.

RUFUS: We need you to help us stop them from stopping us. We'd do it ourselves, but we're not former members of SOLDIER, so we probably wouldn't stand a chance.

CLOUD: I don't fight anymore, Rufus. I run a delivery service now.

RUFUS: Oh, really? That's you? You know, I've seen the ads for Strife Delivery Service in the papers and I thought it might have been you, but it was probably a coincidence. So…I name it, you deliver it, huh?

CLOUD: Yeah, that's our slogan. Best we could come up with, anyway.

RUFUS: Do you deliver pizza?

CLOUD: Pizza?

RUFUS: Yeah. You know, a thick – but not too thick – layer of crust smothered in a tasty tomato sauce and coated with melted mozzarella cheese and topped with things like pepperoni or sausage or mushrooms or anchovies if you so desire. You know, pizza.

CLOUD: I know what pizza is, Rufus.

RUFUS: I've had the strangest craving for some pizza lately. Do you deliver it?

CLOUD: Well, uh…we've never had to deliver it before. But if we had any pizzas to deliver, we'd probably deliver pizza too.

RUFUS: So you don't have any pizzas to deliver?

CLOUD: No, no we don't.

RUFUS: So you can't deliver pizza.

CLOUD: By that logic…no, I guess we can't.

RUFUS: Then you've got yourself a pretty nasty case of false advertising here, my friend.

CLOUD: Whatever.

RUFUS: Now you're starting to sound like Squall.

CLOUD: That's it, I'm leaving.

RUFUS: Look, we need your help. And some pizza. How could you turn your back on us so easily? Weren't you in SOLDIER?

CLOUD: Weren't you paying attention to that part in Disc 2 where everyone found out that I wasn't?

RUFUS: You weren't?

CLOUD: No, I wasn't. My friend Zack is the guy you're looking for. And he's been dead for…seven years, so you're shit outta luck.

RUFUS: But we could rebuild Shinra! I'd name you Vice President!

CLOUD: Do you really think I'd accept that offer after spending an entire 50-hour 3-disc game fighting you guys?

RUFUS: You can't just walk away from that kind of deal, Cloud!

CLOUD: Watch me.

(He walks to the door.)

RUFUS: Stop –

RUDE: Let me say it, boss. I haven't said anything in a while.

RUFUS: Oh, fine.

RUDE: Thank you. (takes a deep breath) STOP HIM, RENO!

(RENO runs over to the door to try stopping CLOUD. CLOUD swings the door open and hits RENO with it. RENO stumbles backwards and falls down the stairs again.)

RUDE: Ah, shit.

RUFUS: The next time I see you, Strife, you'd better have that fucking pizza!

(CLOUD leaves.)

RUDE: So _now_ what do we do, boss?

RENO: (from the bottom of the stairs) You could start by helping me up…

RUFUS: (to RENO) What are you, nuts? It's gonna rain any minute now.

(It starts to rain.)

RENO: FUCK YOU GUYS!

* * *

Two down, fifteen to go. As you can probably imagine, I had a lot of fun with this particular scene. In fact, you can tell which scenes I had the most fun with simply by observing how long they are in my version. On to Chapter 3!

**Fun Fact: **I was originally going to include a bit where Rufus explains to Cloud why Reno attacks him as soon as he walks in the door. He says that Reno was basically giving him a test, and that unlike other former members of SOLDIER that they had tried getting to help them out, Cloud had passed. There would then be a totally random flashback scene where a different ex-SOLDIER approached the Healin Lodge only to see Reno jump out of a bush wearing a freakish voodoo mask shouting "BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOGEDY!" The ex-SOLDIER gets frightened and runs away as Reno removes the mask and laughs. When I wrote this scene I forgot to include this, but I ended up leaving it this way because I liked it better.


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Guess what? I still own nothing.

* * *

3. A RANDOM INTERLUDE ABOUT HAIR GEL

**(Scene changes to TIFA and MARLENE walking through an abandoned church, mostly because Square Enix decided that it would be a great place for KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 to be set in.)**

FF7 FANBOY: Whaddaya mean "an abandoned church"? That's Aerith's church, and you fucking know it!

CASUAL GAMER: I thought it was spelled A-E-R-I-S.

FF7 FANBOY: Square Enix changed it to the Japanese version of the name. It's still pronounced the same over there, I think…

CASUAL GAMER: I'm still spelling it with an S.

FF7 FANBOY: Typical arrogant American. Always your way or the highway.

CASUAL GAMER: You're American too, jackass.

(The film continues.)

MARLENE: Does Cloud live here?

TIFA: No, but you can still see where he crashed through the ceiling in Disc 1. See? (points to a hole in the ceiling that's shaped like a person with impossibly spiky hair)

MARLENE: Yeah, that's Cloud all right. I can tell by the hair. So how come we're here?

TIFA: He's been acting strange lately. I want to know why. I figured we could start here since he's always hanging around this place.

MARLENE: Hey, look at this! (points to a small pile of random objects hidden in the flowers) Is this Cloud's stuff?

TIFA: (looks at the pile) Yeah, that's his.

MARLENE: How do you know?

TIFA: (holds up a huge bottle of hair gel) Nobody else uses this much hair gel.

(several other _Final Fantasy _characters show up out of nowhere)

WAKKA: Actually, I go through a bottle of that stuff a day. And I buy even bigger bottles. (runs hands through his ridiculous hairdo) It's water-resistant, and it keeps your hair nice and stiff, ya?

LULU: (to WAKKA) Too bad your hair is the only thing that stuff can keep stiff.

AMARANT: Something's gotta keep my fiery red dreadlocks in place.

RIKKU: And it took me _hours_ to do my hair before every scene in _X-2_.

TIDUS: I'd say I go through about a bottle and a half per day, easy. It takes a surprising amount of hair gel to keep my follicles this feathery.

JECHT: (covering his face in embarrassment) _Where_ did I go wrong raising this boy?

ZELL: (to TIFA) I'd say I use about as much as you've got over there, actually. (looks over at SQUALL) Hey, Squall! You use this stuff too, right?

SQUALL: (leaning against a wall in the shadows) …Whatever.

KUJA: Honestly, I spend too much time making myself look pretty to worry about hair gel. I just wear it down.

ZELL: (to KUJA) You know, if you were a girl, I'd definitely consider sleeping with you.

KUJA: (to ZELL) I suppose _that_ explains your strange obsession with hot dogs.

SEIFER: (to ZELL) Ha! Not even your own hand wants a piece of your meat, Chicken-wuss!

ZELL: (to SEIFER) Fuck you, Seifer!

SEIFER: (to SQUALL) Isn't this guy the biggest Chicken-wuss you've ever met, Squall?

SQUALL: …Whatever.

SEYMOUR: Amateurs, all of you! I go through two extra-large jars of extra-strength hair gel on normal days and five jars for special occasions!

TIFA: Okay, okay, I get the picture. Nobody else in _FF7_ uses this much hair gel. Are we okay now?

(The other _Final Fantasy _characters leave. SQUALL is the last one to go.)

SQUALL: (does a double-take when he passes TIFA) Hey, have we met before?

TIFA: I…I don't know, actually. You do look familiar…it's Leon, right?

SQUALL: No, sorry. I don't even know anyone named Leon. My last name's Leonhart, if that helps.

TIFA: Hmm…no, I must be thinking of someone else.

SQUALL: Oh…well, whatever. (he leaves)

MARLENE: (sees a bandage) Hey, what's this?

TIFA: That? That's a…a bandage? Why would Cloud have this? He hasn't been injured lately…

MARLENE: What if he's sick too?

TIFA: You think he has geostigma? But…how could he have caught it? I thought it only affected kids!

CASUAL GAMER: You took the words right out of my mouth, sweetheart.

TIFA: I can't believe he never told me…ooh, he's gonna hear it when he gets home…

MARLENE: Another lecture?

TIFA: Yep.

MARLENE: Can me and Denzel watch this time?

TIFA: Hmm…depends on when he gets home.

**(Scene switches to the Healin Lodge. RENO and RUDE are on the floor. KADAJ is approaching RUFUS. This scene isn't as funny because I didn't have very many ideas for it.)**

KADAJ: Well, well, well…if it isn't "Rufus the Doofus."

RUFUS: Oh, how clever, Kadaj. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Because I swear on my father's grave, nobody called me _that_ in first grade.

KADAJ: Enough talk, smartass.

RUFUS: If you didn't come to talk, then what are you here for?

KADAJ: I'm here for my mother. Where is she?

RUFUS: I didn't know a _clone_ could even have a mother.

KADAJ: So you want to talk semantics, do you? Fine, we'll play your little game. Where's Jenova?

RUFUS: We don't have it here. We lost it when you attacked our agents at the cave. So go ahead and blame me all you want, but that won't make up for the fact that it was your own stupidity that caused us to lose it.

KADAJ: Well, isn't that a pity. But all your insults and punchlines won't bring these two back, either. (fumbling through his pockets)

RUFUS: Reno and Rude are still alive.

KADAJ: Not those two, you idiot. (pulls out TSENG and ELENA's identification cards) _These_ two.

RUFUS: You…you _killed _them? What the hell did you do that for?

KADAJ: Actually, I'm not sure if they're dead. But they got in our way, so they had to be dealt with. We need Jenova…for Reunion.

RUFUS: Reunion? Already? When did you guys graduate? I could have sworn you were younger…

KADAJ: A reunion with our _mother_, Mr. President. We want to finish the job she started. Where Sephiroth failed, we will succeed. And it's all thanks to the little children.

RUFUS: So _you're_ the ones who are infecting the kids with geostigma…

KADAJ: Well…yes and no. Her legacy's already in the…uh…you know, that shiny green strand-like thing made up of people's souls or whatever…damn it, the name's right on the tip of my tongue…

RUFUS: The Lifestream?

KADAJ: Yeah, that's it. And we need her cells to complete the reunion. Now give them to me.

RUFUS: I told you, I don't have them. And even if I did, I wouldn't give them to you.

KADAJ: And why not?

RUFUS: Because you're the fucking bad guy, genius. Oh, speaking of which, has anyone ever told you how much you look like Sephiroth?

KADAJ: You really think so? That's great! I've been cosplaying as Sephiroth at every anime convention I could find; that really means a lot to me…

* * *

This was one of my favorite chapters to write, mainly because of the _Final Fantasy_ cameos in the "hair gel" scene. And it won't be the last time I resort to having fun at the expense ofsome of your favorite non-_FF7_ characters. Indeed, it's one of a handful of running gags throughout the fic. On to Chapter 4!

**Fun Fact: **The chapter titles get progressively more ridiculous from here on out. And none of them fit in the little "chapter title" box, or whatever it's called. So, to my competition in the field of ridiculous lengthy title creation -- I'm thinking of bands like Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco in particular -- eat your hearts out.


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Still don't own anything..._yet_. Again, R&R, and have fun.

* * *

4. I'D HIT THAT, BUT SHE'D PROBABLY HIT ME BACK

**(Scene switches to CLOUD standing in front of the sword in the ground. He has a bunch of flashbacks involving his now-dead friend ZACK.)**

CASUAL GAMER: Jeez…he must have really cared about this guy Zack. You think maybe _that's_ why he never hooked up with Tifa?

FF7 FANBOY: I…don't follow what you're saying.

CASUAL GAMER: Do you think Cloud's gay?

FF7 FANBOY: Don't be ridiculous. This is fan service, not a fansite. You know how many people would freak out if they found out Cloud was gay?

CASUAL GAMER: I'd say that's more of a reflection of how sad our society has become, actually.

FF7 FANBOY: Elaborate.

CASUAL GAMER: First of all, they'd be freaking out over the sexual preferences of a fictional character. Second, it's 2006 and people are still freaking out over each other's sexual preferences. And third, there was a sequence early on in that game that was just pure unadulterated homoeroticism, so do you really think it would surprise anyone if Cloud turned out to be gay?

FF7 FANBOY: Actually, Cloud rejected all the gay guys' advances.

CASUAL GAMER: But he dressed like a woman.

FF7 FANBOY: Only because he wanted to save Tifa and Aerith told him to do it.

CASUAL GAMER: So basically he can't think for himself?

FF7 FANBOY: Well, he did spend five years of his life impersonating this guy Zack, so I guess you're on to something there.

CASUAL GAMER: …Yeah, Cloud's definitely gay.

FF7 FANBOY: WHAT! No he's not!

CASUAL GAMER: When you spend five years of your life impersonating someone else, that's a level of infatuation that goes far beyond just friendship.

FF7 FANBOY: B-b-but…

CASUAL GAMER: But what? I didn't just make you think any less of your hero, did I?

FF7 FANBOY: (eyes water)

CASUAL GAMER: You fucking pansy.

**(Scene switches back to TIFA and MARLENE in the church. And yes, FF7 FANBOYS, I know whose church it is. All of a sudden LOZ shows up for some reason that the film never explains. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 is about to begin.)**

LOZ: Hey there, cutie. Oh, and the little girl too.

(They don't respond.)

LOZ: What's up?

(Still no response.)

LOZ: Wanna play with me for a while? (winks at TIFA)

(Still no response.)

LOZ: Do you even talk at all?

(_Still_ no response.)

LOZ: What a one-sided conversation. I don't suppose you could tell me where I could find my mother?

TIFA: I don't even know who you're talking about. I've never seen you before in my entire life.

LOZ: A-ha! She does speak! (steps forward, smells flowers, sneezes loudly)

TIFA: Bless you.

LOZ: Thanks. Stupid pollen allergy. How the hell do flowers grow in the middle of a building, anyway? Gimme a second… (he pulls out a water bottle and an allergy pill and takes the pill with a few sips) There. The medicine should kick in any minute now. So, uh, what's a pretty li'l thing like you doing in a run-down place like this?

TIFA: According to the script, I'm supposed to fight you.

LOZ: Hmm. You know, when I was a kid I was always taught to never hit a lady, but…on the other hand, I've always believed that martial arts is a vastly underrated form of foreplay.

MARLENE: What's foreplay?

TIFA: I'll tell you when you're older.

LOZ: So, what do you say, sugar? You wanna go?

TIFA: Well…oh, why not. It's been a while since the last time I had a chance to level up. (puts on gloves)

LOZ: (smiles) My kind of woman!

TIFA: Better take cover, Marlene. This could get ugly.

**(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 ensues. TIFA and LOZ proceed to beat the living crap out of each other for the next few minutes, with the occasional _Matrix_ stunt thrown in just to spice things up a bit. They also animated some of TIFA's Limit Breaks just to please the FANBOYS some more. Eventually, LOZ is crushed under a pile of debris. TIFA levels up! She wins 5000 Gil, an Elixir, and a Ribbon accessory, the last of which she promptly equips to nullify all status effects for future battles. The _Final Fantasy_ victory fanfare sounds.)**

TIFA: Yeah, I know. I won.

(A voice behind her starts speaking.)

VOICE: Actually, baby, that's just my ringtone. Hold on a sec.

(TIFA turns around and sees LOZ sitting in a pew. He's talking on a cell phone.)

LOZ: Hello? … Oh, hey, Kadaj. … No, Mother's not here. … Yes, I'm sure. There's a hot chick and a little girl here, and that's it. … God damn it, I AM NOT CRYING! … Why do I have to bring the kid with me? I wanna bring the babe! … You suck, Kadaj. You know that? I want to kidnap the hot girl, but noooo, God forbid I touch a girl who's older than the game this movie's based on. Why do we always have to do whatever _you_ want to do? … Well, you can take your superior genes and shove them up your ass for all I care. … Okay, how 'bout this? Let's make a deal: I bring the little girl, and _only _the little girl, if you agree to stop making fun of me with the whole "crying" thing. The joke got old about four or five scenes ago. … All right then. I'll see you later. (hangs up) I guess I needed a cell phone after all. Now, where were we?

TIFA: What the…? How did you…? But…the debris…aren't you supposed to still be under the debris?

LOZ: I can teleport.

TIFA: But I just saw that debris fall on top of you! You didn't react quickly enough to get away!

LOZ: That's because you've been fighting my stunt double.

TIFA: WHAT!

(LOZ'S STUNT DOUBLE crawls out from underneath the debris.)

STUNT DOUBLE: (weakly) I…fucking…quit… (stumbles off the set)

LOZ: Sorry to disappoint you, darlin'. But I'm a much greater challenge than that. Now, to pick up where my stunt double left off…

**(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 resumes. TIFA and LOZ kick each other's asses some more. Eventually LOZ pins her against a pillar, pressing his hand against her upper torso. And you know what that means: For all intents and purposes, he's basically feeling her up.)**

LOZ: (eyes widen) Holy crap…they _are _real…

RUDE: (off-screen, to RUFUS) Told you so.

TIFA: Yeah…and they're not for you!

(She kicks him away. LOZ is stunned and falls to the floor. TIFA walks over and lifts her shirt, exposing her brassiere – much to the delight of the entire male audience.)

TIFA: Read 'em and weep.

(The words "PROPERTY OF CLOUD STRIFE" are stitched into both of her bra cups.)

LOZ: What the…

TIFA: (lowers her shirt again, much to the disappointment of the entire male audience) That's right. And I don't think he'll be too happy to find out that you've been touching something of his…

LOZ: (extremely pissed off) As if I needed another reason to want to kick his ass…I guess I'll just have to take it out on you instead!

**(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 resumes again, but only briefly. LOZ, driven by his anger, is able to finish the fight in about a minute. Being a boss character, however, he does not level up at all. He leaves her lying in the flower bed.)**

LOZ: Not bad for someone who hasn't leveled up in two years. Unfortunately for you, I have. (looks her over) It's really a shame we had to be on opposite sides. Seriously, I can't think of one hot chick that worked with the bad guys…

BEATRIX: (off-screen) Um, _hello_? What about me?

LOZ: Sorry, I prefer women who have two eyes.

BEATRIX: Hey, I have two eyes! You just never see the other one…

LOZ: Oh, whatever. (looks at TIFA again) Anyway…Kadaj wanted me to kill you if I won this fight. But don't worry. I have a soft spot for pretty girls. So I'll let you live just in case you change your mind. (walks over to MARLENE) You're coming with me, kid.

MARLENE: (throws materia at LOZ) No! I'm not following you anywhere!

LOZ: Sorry kid. You don't have a choice. Now come with me. And while you're at it, give me the rest of that materia…

* * *

Oh no, a cliffhanger! Whatever shall you do?

Well...you could click the "next" button, since Chapter 5 is already up, but that would just kill the suspense! Wait until tomorrow to do it!

Also, I forgot to mention this earlier (I'll try to edit the summary later to include this), but I've already finished the entire fic. I decided to finish it first and then submit it all at once so I wouldn't forget to do it.

**Fun Fact:** The exchanges between Casual Gamer and the FF7 Fanboy were inspired by "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and The Editing Room, a website that offers abridged parody scripts of Hollywood movies that include mid-movie audience feedback.


	5. Chapter 5

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **You know the drill by now. I own nothing, read and review, blah blah blah...

* * *

5. NEVER TRUST A SCARY-LOOKING SILVER-HAIRED MAN

**(Scene switches to the nameless city, where DENZEL is just sitting around outside doing nothing in particular. Then some random GIRL comes over to talk to him.)**

GIRL: Hey, it looks like you've got geostigma too.

DENZEL: I suppose the black bruise on my forehead tipped you off, didn't it?

GIRL: Don't worry! See those two guys over there with the truck? They say they can cure us!

(DENZEL looks and sees KADAJ and YAZOO loading kids with geostigma into the back of a truck.)

DENZEL: I don't know…if there's one thing Cloud's been able to teach me in between all of his delivery runs, it's that scary-looking guys with long silver hair are probably bad news.

GIRL: Don't be so paranoid! It's not like they're Sephiroth or something! Now do you want to be cured or not?

DENZEL: Well…okay, but if those guys turn out to be using us in some kind of evil scheme to take over or destroy the Planet, don't say I didn't warn you.

(They board the truck.)

**(Scene switches back to the church. CLOUD finally shows up.)**

CLOUD: Whoa…what the hell happened to this place?

(He sees TIFA lying in the flower patch.)

CLOUD: Holy shit! (runs over and lifts her in his arms) What hap…? (sees his pile o' stuff in disarray) Hey, were you going through my stuff?

TIFA: N-no…I never got the chance to…all I touched was a bottle of hair gel…

CLOUD: Then who touched the rest of my stuff? I mean, the whole reason I kept it here was to keep everyone from snooping around in it. I'm a very private person, y'know? There are some very personal materials in there! My fucking _diary_ is in there…you didn't read it, did you?

TIFA: I…I didn't even know you _kept_ a diary…

CLOUD: Who touched the rest of my stuff?

TIFA: (sits up sharply) MARLENE!

CLOUD: Oh, she is _so_ grounded when we get home…

TIFA: No, it's not about that…you see, I was attacked –

CLOUD: Attacked? Who attacked you?

TIFA: Some guy with silver hair…

CLOUD: Silver hair? _Silver hair_? It wasn't…Sephiroth, was it?

TIFA: No, it was some other guy with silver hair.

CLOUD: Some other guy? How many people have silver hair? Seriously? I didn't think it was that common a hair color. But anyway, are you all right?

TIFA: I've been better… (passes out in his arms)

CLOUD: SHIT!

(looks over at his pile o' stuff and notices that his box o' materia is missing)

CLOUD: DOUBLE SHIT!

(looks even closer at his pile o' stuff and notices that his diary is also missing)

CLOUD: TRIPLE SHIT!

(CLOUD suddenly has a geostigma attack for no apparent reason. It is very painful. Black stuff comes out of his left arm and it's really, really gross.)

CLOUD: (weakly) …Ugh…qua – quadruple shit… (passes out)

**(CLOUD and TIFA are suddenly alone in a field of yellow flowers with a white background. The church is gone. It would be really romantic and cute if they weren't both passed out right in the middle of it like a couple of fucking slum drunks, but whatever…)**

**(Scene switches to the bedroom in the house in the nameless city where DENZEL was seen resting back in the third or fourth scene of the film. CLOUD and TIFA are in separate beds, mostly because Square Enix wanted to dispel the "oh-look-they're-married" rumors and prevent any possibility of a "Hot Coffee" scene. CLOUD wakes up and sees RENO and RUDE watching over them.)**

CLOUD: H-huh? What are you guys doing here?

RUDE: We carried you two here.

CLOUD: How did you find us?

RUDE: It's not important.

RENO: You might want to go on a diet, though. You're pretty heavy.

RUDE: (to RENO) You carried Tifa, remember?

RENO: Of course. And I loved every second of it.

RUDE: I'm sure you did, you sick fuck.

RENO: Well, at least I didn't bitch and whine all the way back here from that church. We kept having to stop because apparently you haven't hit the gym in the last two years.

RUDE: Whatever. Anyway, weren't there a couple of kids living here, Cloud?

RENO: Maybe they're at school.

RUDE: This is a _Final Fantasy_ world. Who goes to school?

CLOUD: Seriously, Reno. I've been to every city on the planet and I don't think I've ever seen a school. The closest thing was that dojo in Wutai. Or maybe Bugenhagen's place in Cosmo Canyon, but he's been dead for two years, so I don't think that counts.

RENO: Well, still…I thought you might be more concerned about those kids.

CLOUD: Look…could you guys just leave me alone for a while? I'm kinda tired…

RENO: What? Dude, you were just out cold for who knows how long.

CLOUD: I know, but…you know how the delivery business is. Wake up early, go to bed late, spend all day running around delivering stuff…this is the first chance I've had to catch up on my sleep in quite some time.

RENO: Those kids might be in trouble and all you can do is sleep? What kind of hero are you?

CLOUD: A well-rested hero is a more efficient hero, Reno. You would do well to remember that. (goes back to sleep)

RENO: I can't believe I'm getting life lessons from a guy who basically got away with identity theft for five fucking years.

(They both leave, letting CLOUD and TIFA sleep.)

**(Scene switches to the Forgotten City, where KADAJ, YAZOO, LOZ, and MARLENE are standing with Cloud's box o' materia. The words "BOX O' MATERIA" are written on the box o' materia.)**

KADAJ: Well, what do you know? All this time, Cloud had a secret stash of materia. (picks up a blue materia) Now, these powers can be ours! (puts blue materia in his wrist, somehow)

YAZOO: Um, Kadaj?

KADAJ: What?

YAZOO: The blue ones are Support materia. They don't cast magic.

KADAJ: What the hell are you talking about?

LOZ: Mind your language, Kadaj! There's a little kid present!

KADAJ: Oh, cover her ears yourself if you care so much. Now, what were you saying, Yazoo?

YAZOO: All materia is color-coded to let you know what kind of stuff it can do. Blue is Support materia, green is Magic, red is Summon, yellow is Command –

KADAJ: Okay, I get the picture…

YAZOO: …And pink is Independent.

KADAJ: Are you done, Mr. Know-It-All? Jeez, you sound like a bunch of pages straight out of an instructional booklet!

YAZOO: It's really not that hard to understand, Kadaj. I mean, that's the ingeniousness of the color-coding system. Any idiot can figure it out.

KADAJ: There are _so_ many easy punchlines I could be delivering at your expense right now, but I think this scene has run on long enough.

LOZ: Oh, I almost forgot – you guys _have_ to read some of the stuff in this diary I found. It's hilarious.

(LOZ holds up a book with the words "THE EVERYDAY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CAPTAIN OMNISLASH (that's me), by Cloud Strife. (Also known as my diary. Don't read this or" written on the cover – he obviously ran out of space.)

* * *

Five chapters already. I'm doing this way too fast, aren't I? Oh well. You all probably know what happens in the movie anyway. One more reason for me to submit the whole thing at once. I just divided it into chapters to make it an easier read. You can thank me later.

**Fun Fact: **While Kefka, the main villain of _FF6_, never makes an appearance in this fic (although I tried to find a place for him), he's here in spirit. I paraphrase one of his many memorable quotes in this chapter, and there are several more in the fic. See if you can find them all! You may not win a prize, but it'll give you something to do if the fic is boring you. Other people may call this technique "giving it lasting power."


	6. Chapter 6

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I still own nothing. And I'll bet you probably stopped reading these author's notes a few chapters ago.

* * *

6. 500 GEORGE WASHINGTONS 100 ABRAHAM LINCOLNS 50 ALEXANDER HAMILTONS 25 ANDREW JACKSONS 10 ULYSSES GRANTS 5 BENJAMIN FRANKLINS 1 RIDICULOUS LINE OF DIALOGUE

**(Scene switches back to the bedroom in the house in the nameless city. Night has fallen, CLOUD is looking out the window, and TIFA is just waking up.)**

CLOUD: Good morning, sleepyhead.

TIFA: Huh? What time is it?

CLOUD: I don't know. There isn't a clock to be found in this entire room for some reason.

TIFA: So, how did we get here?

CLOUD: Weren't you paying attention to our last scene?

TIFA: I was asleep through that entire scene, remember?

CLOUD: Oh, yeah. Reno and Rude brought us here. They're out looking for the kids right now.

TIFA: Hey, Cloud? Do you mind if I ask you a question?

CLOUD: Um…okay, shoot. (thinking to himself) _Please don't ask me about geostigma, please don't ask me about geostigma…_

TIFA: Do you have geostigma, Cloud?

CLOUD: (to himself) _Damn it!_ (to TIFA) Um…no. This weird black marking on my arm? That's just a really, really bad tattoo.

TIFA: And you're a really, really bad liar.

CLOUD: Which is really a shame, because I never used to be.

TIFA: Why didn't you tell me you had it, Cloud?

CLOUD: Um…because it mostly affects kids, and, uh…I didn't want you thinking I was childish.

TIFA: But I like it when you act childish. It's a whole different side of your personality that you hardly ever show.

CLOUD: Well, it's also because it's not curable. I didn't want you to worry about me…

TIFA: So? Saving the world from Meteor was a hopeless cause too, but you never gave up on that, did you?

CLOUD: To be honest, there _were_ a few days when I felt like saying "Fuck it" and going home.

TIFA: That's not my point. My point is that I'm always here for you…to help you. And all of our other friends are here for you too, even though they aren't physically present right now. You might think you could drop dead tomorrow and nobody would care, but _I_ would! We all would…Barret, Red, Yuffie, Vincent, all the other characters that still haven't appeared in this movie yet…we all would. Because we care about you, Cloud…whether you like it or not. And we want you to be there to help us when we need you. We can help each other…

CLOUD: No…no, we can't.

TIFA: Why not?

CLOUD: Because I just flat-out suck at helping people.

TIFA: Give me _one_ good example of when you failed to help someone in need.

CLOUD: I couldn't save Aerith.

TIFA: Okay, give me _another_ good example.

CLOUD: I couldn't save Zack, either.

TIFA: Well, you did save me from Sephiroth in that reactor seven years ago, remember?

CLOUD: Yeah, but I couldn't help you that day that you went to Mt. Nibel by yourself and wound up in a coma. I was fucking _blamed_ for that, remember? I think they cancel each other out.

TIFA: Yeah, but…

CLOUD: And I couldn't save your father, or my mother, or anyone else back home who died when Sephiroth burned down the whole town…oh, and if it wasn't for me, Sephiroth never would have been able to summon Meteor in the first place.

(TIFA says nothing.)

CLOUD: Face it, Tifa…I'm a terrible hero. If anyone on this entire planet _deserves_ to have geostigma…it's me.

TIFA: Well…you helped save the lives of every person on this planet from Meteor. You helped save the life of the Planet itself. I'd say that more than cancels out any of your past failures.

CLOUD: …Whatever.

TIFA: (mumbling to herself) Dilly dally, shilly shally.

CLOUD: What?

TIFA: (covering her face in embarrassment) _Please _don't make me say it again…

CLOUD: I didn't even hear what you said.

TIFA: Oh, fine… (rolling eyes in embarrassment) Dilly dally, shilly shally…stupid translation…

CLOUD: (completely confused) What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?

TIFA: I don't know…it's just a really stupid line, and I didn't want to say it because I was afraid it would become the next "All your base are belong to us," but the director wanted me to say it so he offered me a $500 bonus for every time I say it.

CLOUD: Really? You get five hundred dollars every time you say that?

TIFA: Yep. So I've earned a thousand bucks in bonus money so far from this conversation alone.

CLOUD: Wow…hey, do you think that would work for anyone else? Like, if I said it, I'd get five hundred dollars too?

TIFA: I don't know. The director didn't say, so I guess you could try it.

CLOUD: Well, in that case…dilly dally shilly shally to you too.

(BUBBLE BOY – the Jake Gyllenhaal one, not the one from the _Seinfeld_ episode with the Moops – pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

TIFA: See? You just made five hundred dollars.

CLOUD: But why didn't that Bubble Boy dude show up when you said it?

TIFA: The joke hadn't been properly introduced yet. It wouldn't have made sense at the time.

CLOUD: But you could have explained it afterwards.

TIFA: Interesting point. But ultimately, that's up to the writers.

CLOUD: Don't you just love exploiting loopholes in the system for money?

TIFA: I'm not really sure how to answer that question…

(RENO and RUDE enter the room.)

RENO: I'll answer it for you. Exploiting loopholes in the system is what life is all about. Especially when you earn monetary gains from said loophole exploitations.

TIFA: So did you find the kids?

RENO: Nope. But we did find this guy…

(THE WRITER walks in the door.)

RENO: He says he knows where to find the kids.

CLOUD: So where are they?

THE WRITER: Kadaj and his brothers took them to the Forgotten City, claiming that they could cure their geostigma. He plans to use them for a rather diabolical scheme that he will explain in greater detail in a later scene. And before you ask, Denzel and Marlene are in fact among the kids that have been taken there. Someone should go there and try to stop them – preferably someone with a fast vehicle who can handle weaponry, perform crazy action-movie stunts, and keep their outrageous hairdo looking extra-sharp all at the same time. Is there anyone in this room that fits this description?

(Everyone looks at CLOUD.)

(CLOUD looks out the window again.)

TIFA: Wait a second. Why'd they kidnap Marlene? She doesn't have geostigma.

THE WRITER: They're using her to draw someone to them. Someone who cares enough about Marlene to willingly risk their life to save hers.

CLOUD: You mean like Barret?

THE WRITER: I was thinking of you, actually.

CLOUD: Ah, damn it. I guess I'd better go, then.

TIFA: (kisses CLOUD on the cheek) Good luck!

CLOUD: Thanks…I'll probably need it… (thinking to himself) _Wow…I wonder if that means that she really does love me?_

CASUAL GAMER: (to CLOUD) You fucking dumbass.

FF7 FANBOY: Well, maybe she only meant it as a lucky charm or something.

CASUAL GAMER: (to FF7 FANBOY) You fucking dumbass.

(CLOUD leaves the room.)

RENO: (to THE WRITER) So how'd you know all that stuff, anyway?

THE WRITER: How wouldn't I know it? I'm the one who wrote this screenplay.

RUDE: So…basically, you're breaking down the fourth wall?

THE WRITER: What, am I not supposed to do that?

TIFA: It's not very common in Hollywood, so I guess that means the practice is generally looked down upon.

THE WRITER: Oh. Well, I guess I'd better get to work.

(THE WRITER immediately gets to work rebuilding the fourth wall, brick by brick, piece by piece, before continuing with the script. The process is difficult and stressful and takes several hours to complete. Upon its completion, the fourth wall is promptly coated with graffiti by a YOUNG HOOLIGAN.)

THE WRITER: DAMN YOU, VANDAL!

YOUNG HOOLIGAN: Ha-ha!

(The YOUNG HOOLIGAN runs away and is almost immediately hit by a truck.)

THE WRITER: Ha-ha! (leaves to continue writing the script)

RENO: (whispers to RUDE) Hey, in case I forget, remind me to find some way to fit that phrase into my dialogue.

RUDE: What phrase?

RENO: You know…dilly dally, shilly shally.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RENO: Yes!

* * *

This was another one of my favorite chapters to write. By the time I got to about Chapter 4 or 5 or so I started looking forward to making fun of this scene. I have no idea where the whole "young hooligan gets hit by a truck" thing came from, though. Perhaps it was karma for vandalizing the fourth wall...yeah, that's it.

Also, as I mention in the chapter, if you've ever seen the movie _Bubble Boy_ with Jake Gyllenhaal (I hope I spelled that name right), you'll understand where the "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR" thing comes from. If you haven't...well, now you know where I got it. It was also inspired by the "Toasty Guy" from the _Mortal Kombat_ series who popped up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen every once in a while.

**Fun Fact:** The concept of the characters getting a $500 bonus for every time they say "dilly dally, shilly shally" and taking advantage of it (which quickly becomes a running gag), as well as Bubble Boy's announcement of the bonus being awarded, was the first joke I came up with for this fic.


	7. Chapter 7

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Me own nothing. You read, laugh, review, tell friends.

* * *

7. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3 – BROUGHT TO YOU BY KOOL-AID

**(Scene changes to CLOUD riding his motorcycle to the Forgotten City.)**

CLOUD: Damn, that was quick. Pretty impressive, considering that the Forgotten City is on a totally different continent.

**(Scene switches to KADAJ delivering his big speech to all the kiddies.)**

KADAJ: …You know, I never was that good with kids, so I'll keep this short, sweet, and relatively close to the point. We brought you all here because the Planet has given you geostigma. But our mother has given us a cure for this terrible disease whose spread I promise you we were not involved in one bit – just ignore all that hoo-hah I was telling Rufus a few scenes ago. Now the Planet, being the gigantic planet-shaped asshole that it is, is trying to stop us from giving you this cure. You might say, "Well, Kadaj, maybe the Planet doesn't want you to do this because neither you nor either of your brothers has a doctorate degree in medicine from a respected university." A good point, to be sure. But it is my personal belief that experience is the best teacher. So all you doctors out there who wasted all those years studying medicine just for a fancy piece of paper with your name on it can kiss my ass. We're about to do something that you couldn't – cure geostigma! And this is all you kids have to do…

(KADAJ walks out into the water. It turns black.)

KADAJ: And remember kids, this has absolutely nothing to do with any plans regarding world domination or the resurrection of Sephiroth or anything like that, so don't be scared.

(KADAJ takes some of the black water in his hands and drinks it.)

KADAJ: Now it's your turn! Any questions before we begin?

(DENZEL raises his hand.)

DENZEL: Yeah, I've got one, if you don't mind.

KADAJ: Okay, shoot.

DENZEL: Why did the water suddenly turn black?

KADAJ: Um…because…it's Kool-Aid.

DENZEL: Kool-Aid?

KADAJ: Yeah…magical…black…geostigma-curing Kool-Aid. I, uh, had a few packs of it in my pockets. I was gonna open them up and sprinkle them into the water, but the water must have caused it to leak through my pants.

DENZEL: (still suspicious) You're _sure_ it's Kool-Aid?

KADAJ: Hey, have I given you any reason not to trust me? It's Kool-Aid. And it's really good.

DENZEL: Well…okay, but only because Kool-Aid is totally awesome.

(The KOOL-AID MAN bursts through a wall.)

KOOL-AID MAN: OH YEAH! Product placement is totally the shiznit!

KADAJ: (to KOOL-AID MAN) Um…would you mind? We're kind of in the middle of something here…

KOOL-AID MAN: Oh…sorry, dudes. (bursts through another wall and leaves)

(The kids enter the water and drink it, just as KADAJ had demonstrated. Something strange happens to their eyes.)

DENZEL: (drinks water) Hey, this doesn't taste like Kool – (goes into trance)

YAZOO: (looking at kids' eyes) Damn, man. They look like the Children of the Corn or something.

LOZ: I think you're thinking of the Village of the Damned.

YAZOO: No, it's definitely the Children of the Corn.

LOZ: Oh, whatever.

**(Scene switches back to CLOUD riding his motorcycle – no, wait, he suddenly ends up alone against a white background. Never mind.)**

AERITH: (face can't be seen for some reason) Cloud, you came! And you look soooo hot in CGI…

CLOUD: …I…I do?

AERITH: Of course you do. So, what's up? Why the sudden visit?

CLOUD: Honestly, I don't know how I got here, but since I'm here…I want you to forgive me.

AERITH: For what? The 150 gil you borrowed from me that you never paid back?

CLOUD: No…something else. Something bigger…

**(Scene switches back to CLOUD on his motorcycle again. YAZOO and LOZ are shooting at him.)**

CLOUD: Okay, that's the _last_ time I fall asleep at the wheel.

(KADAJ orders all the kids to block CLOUD's path. They do.)

CLOUD: Oh, shit! (crashes his motorcycle on purpose just before hitting the kids and somehow avoids being hurt very badly)

KADAJ: Well, well, well. If it isn't our big brother.

CLOUD: Okay, seriously, enough with the "big brother" bullshit. I mean, we look nothing alike.

KADAJ: (pulls out sword) You might wanna save your breath, Strife. You should savor the feeling of air inside your lungs for now, because I'm about to take that from you.

CLOUD: (holds up empty hands) You would kill an unarmed man? You fucking coward.

KADAJ: Actually, no, I wouldn't kill an unarmed man. I may be evil, but I'm not _that_ heartless. Unfortunately for you, however, you seem to still have both of your arms intact. Which makes you fair game. (raises sword to strike CLOUD)

(MARLENE throws a rock at KADAJ. It hits him in the back.)

KADAJ: Ouch! (turns to face MARLENE) What the hell did you do that for?

(CLOUD grabs his sword while KADAJ's back is turned and attacks.)

KADAJ: Ooh, should've seen that coming.

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3 begins. CLOUD, KADAJ, LOZ, and YAZOO beat the crap out of each other for the next few minutes. Despite being outnumbered 3-1, CLOUD doesn't get his ass handed to him on a silver platter. At the end of the fight, with CLOUD looking like he might lose, a red scarf-like thing wraps up CLOUD and takes him away.)

KADAJ: Oh, no fucking fair! Bad guys never get any help from deus ex machina devices!

LOZ: You're not gonna cry now, are you Kadaj?

KADAJ: Shut up, Loz.

* * *

Seven chapters down, and just ten left! Oh boy. I can sense the excitement from all of you.

Okay, I'm lying. I can't.

On to Chapter 8!

**Fun Fact:** I was originally going to include a cameo by Adam Sandler in the scene where the Kool-Aid Man shows up to remind us all of the beauty of product placement in cinematic works. I decided against it because it might piss off his fans (even though this entire fic might piss off some _FF7_ fans, making me sound like a hypocrite) and I don't think we're supposed to include real people in fics anyway. I know you can't write fics about real people, but I'm not sure if it's okay to include them in cameos, so I just erred on the side of caution. That said, I was going to include Mr. Sandler because his films often feature a lot of product placement. Didn't stop me from liking _Happy Gilmore_, though.


	8. Chapter 8

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Okay, I just bought some stocks in Square Enix. Now I'm a partial owner of all this stuff! And I don't have to do these disclaimers anymore!

Okay, I kid. I still own nothing. On with the fic. Oh, and again, reviews would be appreciated.

* * *

8. THE EVERYDAY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CAPTAIN OMNISLASH, PT. 1

**(Scene switches to CLOUD and VINCENT – hey, we finally see another member of the game's main cast! – sitting around near a lake.)**

CLOUD: …Man, I _told_ Tifa that I was a lousy hero. But then she had to go and confuse me with that "dilly dally, shilly shally" crap, and now I get my ass kicked because I just had to play hero.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

CLOUD: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. Now, where was I?

VINCENT: You were talking about how much you suck as a hero and how you just got your ass kicked, despite the fact that you held your own pretty well for a guy who was outnumbered three to one.

CLOUD: You're not gonna start lecturing me too, are you, Vincent?

VINCENT: Nah, I'm not really the "dilly dally, shilly shally" type.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

VINCENT: I am, however, open to robbing the studio blind because of a careless loophole on their part.

CLOUD: So do you know anything about what Kadaj and those other two unfortunately-named silver-haired guys are up to?

VINCENT: Yeah, I've been spying on them for a while.

CLOUD: And yet you did nothing to stop them?

VINCENT: I figured my chances of success in a fight would be greater if someone else came along to keep them busy and wear them down. Good timing, Cloud.

CLOUD: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks Vincent.

VINCENT: In my defense, you know I've always preferred the stealth approach. Besides, the information I've picked up should be of some use to you.

CLOUD: So…let's hear it.

CASUAL GAMER: Yes, let's. Because I'm still not sure if I know what's going on.

VINCENT: It's about geostigma. Geostigma is basically the invasion of the body by dangerous cells that is fought against by sort of a pseudo-Lifestream that flows through the body that protects it from…intruders.

CLOUD: Uh, could you be a little more specific? I can't quite follow you.

VINCENT: Geostigma is a condition where the body becomes infected by Jenova cells.

CLOUD: So _that's_ why I have geostigma…once again, my decision to join SOLDIER comes back to bite me in the ass. But why couldn't you have said so before?

VINCENT: Because I don't have a lot of dialogue other than this scene. I figured I'd make it last.

CLOUD: Whatever. Now go on.

VINCENT: You remember those two Turks from the first scene of the film, right? Tseng and Elena?

CLOUD: No, I wasn't really paying attention. I had a delivery to make. Gotta pay the bills, y'know.

VINCENT: Well, they got their hands on a shitload of Jenova cells up at the Northern Cave.

CASUAL GAMER: After all this time, the first scene of the movie _finally_ makes sense to me.

VINCENT: Kadaj and his brothers were after the same thing. So they captured Tseng and Elena and almost tortured them to death in hopes of getting it from them. But they never did. I doubt anyone knows where the Jenova cells ended up.

CLOUD: Those guys are after Jenova? Then that must mean…

VINCENT: That's right. They could recreate Sephiroth if they really wanted to. And since they're the bad guys, they probably really want to.

CLOUD: God damn it, how many times am I gonna have to kill Sephiroth before he stays dead?

VINCENT: If it were that easy, do you really think Square Enix would be making so many spinoffs from our game?

CLOUD: Speaking of which, how's _Dirge of Cerberus_ going?

VINCENT: Not too shabby, actually. I just wish some of you guys would have agreed to play bigger parts in it. I really don't know if I can handle being stuck with just Yuffie and Cait Sith for the long haul. I mean, since it's a shooting game, why not give Barret a bigger role, even? The man has a fucking _gun_ for an arm, for crying out loud. I didn't always get along with the guy, but he's infinitely better than Cait Sith…

(MARLENE comes running out of the bushes.)

CLOUD: Marlene!

MARLENE: Cloud! Denzel's still with the others! And what about Tifa?

CLOUD: Don't worry, she's fine. We can rescue Denzel when the time comes.

MARLENE: I want to talk to her!

CLOUD: Okay, hold on… (searches pockets) Aw, damn it! I must have lost it during KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3!

MARLENE: (looks over at VINCENT) Do you have a phone?

VINCENT: No.

MARLENE: Well, why not?

VINCENT: Kid, I'm an undead pseudo-vampire guy who's even more dark and brooding than Captain Omnislash over there (points to CLOUD). Who would a guy like me talk to with a cell phone?

CLOUD: Hold up, did you just call me Captain Omnislash?

VINCENT: Yeah, why?

CLOUD: So _you're_ the one who stole my diary!

VINCENT: No, I didn't. I didn't even know you had a diary until the other day when I heard Loz making fun of it. Just so you know…Captain Omnislash is a pretty cool name and all, but you can't give yourself a nickname.

CLOUD: And why not?

VINCENT: You just can't. It's really lame.

CLOUD: Whatever. Look, could you do me a favor and take Marlene home for me? I need to talk to Rufus about something.

VINCENT: Oh, he's still alive? I could have sworn he was killed near the end of Disc 2…

CLOUD: Yeah, he's alive…and he knows something about this whole situation that we don't. It's time to give Mr. President the ol' Jack Bauer treatment.

VINCENT: I can't bring the kid home, Cloud.

CLOUD: Why not?

VINCENT: I just can't.

CLOUD: You were able to take me here.

VINCENT: Yeah, well, that trick doesn't work as well when you're covering longer distances. It uses up a lot of magic points, too. And something tells me I'll need those later.

MARLENE: You know what, Cloud? I'll just walk home, since you obviously don't care. I mean, you're willing to let me go off with this creepy guy I don't even know?

CLOUD: Hey, Vincent's actually pretty cool once you get to know him.

MARLENE: That's not the point, Cloud! You just don't seem to care about any of us anymore…

CLOUD: I'm sorry, okay? I just have to take care of something for myself. It doesn't mean I'm selfish. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. This is just something really, really important that needs to be taken care of. When this whole mess is over, I'll start spending more time with you guys, got it?

MARLENE: No! You say that all the time, Cloud! And nothing ever changes!

* * *

A pretty abrupt ending to the chapter, I know. But while I was writing it, I decided to split this part into two chapters because I didn't it to be too long.

I then wound up writing chapters near the end of the fic that were even longer than this and Chapter 9 put together. Go figure.

**Fun Fact:** For a while I considered titling this fic "The Everyday Trials And Tribulations Of Captain Omnislash," but I decided against it because it's a pretty misleading title. It sounds like I'm turning Cloud into a superhero -- although the film does a nice enough job doing that by itself. Since I have a nasty tendency to not finish stories that I start (this thing notwithstanding), if anyone out there would like to use the name "Captain Omnislash" for a fic where Cloud becomes a superhero, then go for it. Just be nice and remember to credit yours truly. That's all I ask.


	9. Chapter 9

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I still own nothing.

Reading: This is what you are doing.

Reviewing: This is what I want you to do when you're done reading.

I know what you're thinking, folks -- "I can't believe he just stole a joke from _The Master of Disguise_. That movie sucked!" And I agree with you on both counts.

* * *

9. THE EVERYDAY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CAPTAIN OMNISLASH, PT. 2

**(CLOUD has a flashback to the "dilly dally, shilly shally" scene – and then ends up in that place with the white background.)**

CLOUD: I want you to forgive me.

AERITH: For what? The 150 gil you borrowed from me that you never paid back?

CLOUD: No…something else. Something bigger…I want you to forgive me for letting you die.

AERITH: Cloud…

CLOUD: I was right there! I had my sword out and everything! And I still just stood there and watched Sephiroth murder you!

AERITH: Cloud, that wasn't your fault. You never saw him coming. And I died instantly. There was nothing you could have done…that time.

CLOUD: That time? What do you mean, that time?

AERITH: Cloud…I've been meaning to tell you this for some time…I died twice that day.

CLOUD: What? How?

AERITH: Remember when you dropped my body into that lake? The water in there was so cold that it sent a shock through my body that kick-started my heart again. Unfortunately, I never learned how to swim…

CLOUD: You've got to be kidding…

AERITH: I somehow made it back to the surface…I could see you all walking away…I called for you again and again, and you never came for me…I figured you didn't hear me and never would…so I gave up. And I drowned, Cloud. That's how it _really_ happened.

CLOUD: …You mean, that was really your voice?

AERITH: Wait a minute. You _did_ hear me?

CLOUD: …I…I thought I was hallucinating…I thought I was losing my mind…

AERITH: You _did_ hear me…and you still didn't come for me?

CLOUD: I'm so sorry…I didn't know that was really you…

AERITH: Wow. This changes everything. I guess it really _was_ your fault after all…

CLOUD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**(Scene switches back to the lake with CLOUD, VINCENT, and MARLENE.)**

CLOUD: Hey, Vincent.

VINCENT: Yo.

CLOUD: Do you think sins can be forgiven?

VINCENT: Don't know. Don't really care, either. I've never been what you would call "religious." Why? What did you do?

CLOUD: It's not really something I did…but rather, something I didn't do.

VINCENT: Is this about that flower girl again, Cloud?

CLOUD: Um…sort of.

VINCENT: She's been dead for two years, Cloud. Two years and you haven't stopped angst-ing about it ever since. And no matter how many times you wish you could change it, no matter how many times you input that code into your GameShark, she's never coming back. There's nothing you can do now. What's done is done. You need to move on before you drive yourself crazy.

CLOUD: Well, it's not just that, Vincent. I have a lot of regrets. Things I've done wrong that I never should have done. I want to make up for that somehow…I don't want to feel guilty anymore.

VINCENT: And here I thought that saving the whole damn Planet and everyone on it would be more than enough to atone for everything you've fucked up.

CLOUD: You sound just like Tifa, Vincent. Only she doesn't swear. Not unless it's…y'know…_that time of the month_…

VINCENT: That's because she's right, Cloud.

CLOUD: Well, technically, Aerith's the one who saved the Planet. She was the one controlling the Lifestream. All I did was kill Sephiroth.

CASUAL GAMER: I like how he makes that sound like it's no big deal.

VINCENT: …Either way, you did us all a huge favor. Just…think about what we're telling you instead of just blowing us off, okay? I mean, I'm sure you're sick of all the lectures by now.

CLOUD: Honestly, at this point I've been given the same lecture so many times that I feel like I'm immune to whatever you say.

VINCENT: Well, this is the only time you'll get it from me, so don't worry. But it really should have sunk in by now.

CLOUD: Thought you weren't the lecturing type, Vincent.

VINCENT: There's an exception to every rule.

CLOUD: All right, whatever. I'll give it a try. But I still want forgiveness for my sins. I'll let you know how everything turns out. (to MARLENE) Come on, I'll take you home.

**(Scene switches to CLOUD's phone sinking to the bottom of the lake.)**

VOICE MAIL: You have 48 saved messages. To listen to these messages, press 1 now.

(The phone bounces off a rock, and the 1 button is pressed down.)

(Clips of voice mail messages from other characters can be heard as the phone sinks, most of which aren't particularly relevant to the film.)

CASUAL GAMER: So, what's with all the voice mails? The guy never uses his phone. You'd think people would stop calling him or something.

FF7 FANBOY: You just don't get it, do you? It's supposed to represent how he values his friendships more than he's willing to admit.

CASUAL GAMER: Or it could just mean that he never checks his voice mail. I think you're reading too much into this.

FF7 FANBOY: Funny you should mention that, because you don't seem to be reading into it at all. You don't plan on attending film school, do you?

CASUAL GAMER: No, I don't.

FF7 FANBOY: That's too bad. Maybe then you wouldn't need the film to spell out every little detail for you.

CASUAL GAMER: Shut the fuck up and let me watch this movie.

(The phone hits the bottom; AERITH's voice can be heard supposedly coming from the cell phone.)

AERITH: Cloud…I guess I kind of overreacted. It wasn't your fault…well, it wasn't _entirely_ your fault…okay, it was mostly your fault, but…you know what? This isn't coming out exactly the way I thought it would. I really hope you don't bother listening to this message. And before you ask – yes, they do have cell phones in heaven. Baseball too. Remember your old friend Zack? Turns out he's quite the second baseman. Oh, and he says hi, and not to worry, because he doesn't blame you for his death one bit.

(The battery dies.)

BATTERY: (robotic-sounding voice over) Cloud. This is your cell phone battery. I just died. And I blame you completely. Carrying your phone during a kickass action scene is never a good idea. Remember that, or I shall haunt your nightmares for the rest of your miserable angsty life.

(We see the wolf from earlier in the film looking down into the water; it disappears soon after.)

CASUAL GAMER: There's that wolf again.

FF7 FANBOY: Yup.

CASUAL GAMER: Ever figure out what it's supposed to symbolize?

FF7 FANBOY: Nope. Still working on that.

CASUAL GAMER: Now who needs to go to film school?

FF7 FANBOY: Shut the fuck up and let me watch this movie.

* * *

It was really hard to resist including the old "you're scheduled to pitch tomorrow" punchline when Aerith talks about baseball in heaven. It was also hard to resist making an easy joke about the role of the cell phone battery being played by Stephen Hawking.

And in case you're wondering -- yes, I do know what the wolf is supposed to symbolize.

**Fun Fact:** The first time I saw the famous scene in _FF7_ where Aerith is laid to rest in a lake, the first thing I thought of was the music video for "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. In the video, Tom Petty steals the body of his dead girlfriend (played by Kim Basinger, if I remember correctly) from a morgue, takes her back to his place, and treats her as if she's alive. Eventually he gives up and releases her body into the ocean and walks away. In the final shot of the video, the dead girlfriend comes back to life and opens her eyes under the water. A great video by a great band.


	10. Chapter 10

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Still working on that "ownership of Square Enix and its characters" thing. Someday, I WILL own them all. Mark my words.

Actually, don't.

* * *

10. SKATEBOARDING IS NOT A CRIME; SUMMONING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF JENOVA SHOULD BE

**(Scene switches back to the nameless city. YAZOO and LOZ are standing in front of what appears to be a Meteor monument. They're trying to tear it down.)**

RANDOM CIVILIAN #1: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: Don't you know that vandalism is a crime?

YAZOO: Yep.

LOZ: And we just don't give a fuck.

RANDOM CIVILIAN #1: Do you have any idea how much tax money it took to get that fucking thing built? And now you're just going to destroy it for no apparent reason? I mean, how does this play into your evil scheme? It doesn't make any –

(YAZOO shoots the RANDOM CIVILIAN, who falls dead to the ground.)

YAZOO: Any more questions?

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: Yeah…where do you guys get your hair done? It looks spectacular.

YAZOO: You could say it's a…_family secret_! (laughs wickedly)

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: …I don't get it.

LOZ: …Me neither.

YAZOO: Oh, you're _both_ hopeless…I thought it was pretty damn funny.

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: Too bad you're the only one laughing.

YAZOO: (visibly pissed off) Oh, a wise guy, huh? You know, I wasn't really planning on doing any damage to this town, but since you people are obviously a bunch of whiny douchebags…you can have this instead! (summons a bunch of shadowy monsters that start attacking people)

LOZ: (shoots RANDOM CIVILIAN #2) And _that's_ for stealing my one-liner!

(They get back to trying to destroy the monument.)

**(Scene switches to TIFA trying to find DENZEL in the midst of the madness.)**

TIFA: Denzel? Where are you?

(She finds DENZEL just standing around in the middle of the street.)

TIFA: Denzel! Are you all right?

(He doesn't respond.)

TIFA: Denzel, say something!

(He still doesn't respond.)

TIFA: (noticing DENZEL's eyes) What the…? Oh, I hope you haven't been put under some kind of trance allowing the bad guys to force you to do their bidding whenever they feel like it…

**(Scene switches back to YAZOO and LOZ trying to destroy the monument. RENO and RUDE then show up out of nowhere, drawing the villains' attention.)**

RENO: Hey, what the hell are you guys trying to do?

YAZOO: Mother is in here…we're trying to free her!

RUDE: And what makes you so sure that "she's" in there, of all places?

LOZ: We know the Shinra had her. And we know that they were the ones who built this monument. Could it be any more obvious a hiding place?

RUDE: I'm afraid I don't follow your logic. If it were really that obvious a hiding place, then why would we hide Jenova there?

YAZOO: You tell us. You're the ones who hid it!

RENO: No we didn't.

YAZOO: Yes you did!

RENO: No, we didn't. We're Turks. Technically, we're not part of the Shinra Corporation. Of course, we can still hold stocks in the company, but Shinra's stock value still hasn't recovered from the Meteor debacle, so we decided not to bother.

RUDE: And Jenova isn't inside that monument anyway. It's a big Meteor-shaped stone structure surrounded by chains, and that's all you'll find. You guys are just wasting your time and energy.

YAZOO: …I get what you're doing! You're using reverse psychology. You're telling us it's not inside the monument to make us believe there's nothing inside so we don't destroy it, when really it is!

RENO: …I'm not sure if that's how reverse psychology works. But if you want to destroy the damn thing that badly, go ahead. I ain't stopping you.

LOZ: You're not?

RENO: No. Do whatever you want to it. See if I give a rat's ass.

RUDE: Reno, our tax dollars went toward the construction of that monument.

RENO: Rude, I never pay taxes. It's all about exploiting the loopholes in the system. And the only loophole that's easier to exploit than the tax system loopholes in this town is the one that gives us five hundred dead presidents every time we say "Dilly dally, shilly shally."

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RENO: (pumps his fist) Yes! I'm rackin' up the big bucks today, baby!

RUDE: You do realize that it only counts when you say it onscreen, so all those times you said it off-screen counted for nothing, right?

YAZOO: Um, hello? Bad guys about to do some serious property damage here!

RENO: Go ahead. Destroy it. Hell, I'll even give you a hand if you want.

LOZ: That won't be necessary. _Hi-YAH!_ (karate chops the monument)

(The monument crumbles into a bajillion pieces; JENOVA is nowhere to be found.)

LOZ: Well, son of a bitch. You guys were right all along.

RENO: Told ya.

YAZOO: Well…there's nothing I hate more than being proved wrong! You two are going down!

(They start to fight.)

**(Scene switches to KADAJ and RUFUS in a building that is apparently under construction because the entire outer wall is missing, giving them an unabridged view of the action.)**

RUFUS: So, Kadaj…

KADAJ: Yo.

RUFUS: What exactly do you need the Jenova cells for anyway?

KADAJ: Didn't I already explain this?

RUFUS: You were a little too vague last time.

KADAJ: (sighs) Okay, fine. We need the cells so we can resurrect Sephiroth.

RUFUS: There you go. Was it really that hard to explain?

CASUAL GAMER: I knew that would be their scheme the second Vincent said they were capable of pulling it off.

FF7 FANBOY: I had a feeling that's what it would be before I even saw the movie. But before you say anything…that still doesn't make this film any less awesome.

KADAJ: It's strange, really. Sephiroth is dead, yet I can still sense him.

CASUAL GAMER: He's like an evil Obi-Wan Kenobi. "Use the dark side of the Force, Kadaj!"

KADAJ: I don't understand it…it's almost as if Mother prefers him over me…I can't stand it!

RUFUS: Aww, what's the matter, Kadaj? Did your mommy not hug you enough when you were a wittle boy?

KADAJ: It doesn't matter! With my help, she'll finally be able to rid the world of people like you for good!

RUFUS: Tell your mom she might want to focus on people like Cloud first, seeing as how he's the one who foiled her plans last time.

KADAJ: The order is unimportant! What matters is that Mother will not rest until she has completed her mission.

RUFUS: And as long as the Lifestream continues to exist and defend the Planet, your Mother will never win. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? Never any thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat is eternal.

KADAJ: That's why you're after Mother? To stop her from succeeding? You'll be sorry, Mr. President…

RUFUS: Sorry? I'm actually getting a kick out of all this. It's the most exciting thing to happen to me in two years.

KADAJ: All right, then. Time to finish this.

(Something shoots out of his arm toward the sky…)

* * *

Oh, no! Another cliffhanger! Now you have to read Chapter 11 to find out what happens next!

Or you could rent the film. It's not bad for what it is, as long as you aren't expecting an epic that lives up to its predecessor. It's easy and fun to make fun of, though.That said, how awesome would this movie have been as a game?

**Fun Fact:** When Yazoo says his hair is a "family secret," he's referring to the fact that he inherited the hair from Sephiroth.But you probably figured that out. I just figured it wouldbe funnier ifnobody else in thescene gets his little joke -- not even his "brother" Loz.


	11. Chapter 11

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Still don't own anything. And honestly, I probably won't bother making an attempt to acquire it. Bring on Chapter 11!

* * *

11. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 – THE FILM'S BUILT-IN EXCUSE FOR SUDDENLY SHOEHORNING THE REST OF THE MAIN CAST INTO THE PLOT

**(Scene switches to the sky above the still-nameless city. A huge, dragon-like monster flies towards the city and begins to attack. Civilians panic and run away, hoping not to get killed. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 is underway. And it's a motherfuckin' doozy.)**

MONSTER: Rawr.

**(Scene switches to TIFA and DENZEL.)**

TIFA: Come on, Denzel! Snap out of it already!

(A shadowy monster tries attacking them, but the dragon-like monster stomps on it and looks right at TIFA and DENZEL.)

TIFA: (scared shitless) Oh…my…God…okay, don't panic, Denzel. Just don't move and it won't see you…

(The monster flies away.)

TIFA: Whew! Didn't think that would work…good thing this is a movie.

**(Scene switches to RENO and RUDE fighting YAZOO and LOZ. RENO and RUDE are about to attack when they see the monster and stop dead in their tracks.)**

RENO: (looking at monster) What…the…_hell_ is that?

(AURON shows up out of nowhere.)

AURON: We called it…Bahamut-Sin.

RENO: Bahamut-Sin?

AURON: Yes. And we must defeat it before it destroys this town. Come with me, Cloud. Let's see what you're made of.

RENO: Uh…I'm not Cloud.

AURON: You're…not?

RENO: No. He's the one with spiky _blond_ hair.

AURON: …I could have sworn the director said the hero had spiky _red_ hair.

RENO: Yeah, I wish.

RUDE: The director can be difficult to understand sometimes. It was an honest mistake. Cloud should be here any minute now.

AURON: I see. Thank you for clearing up this confusion.

RENO: Don't mention it.

AURON: Oh, believe me…I won't. You know what they say…dead men tell no tales.

(AURON leaves.)

RENO: …What the fuck does _that_ mean?

LOZ: Hey! We're not finished with you two yet!

(The fight resumes.)

RENO: Jeez, don't you guys _ever_ give up?

YAZOO: Not until we get Mother!

RUDE: So…once you get your hands on Jenova, you'll stop all this?

LOZ: Of course. She'll take care of the rest.

RENO: You didn't think it would be _that_ easy, did you Rude?

(A billboard falls on RUDE's head.)

RUDE: (stumbles about, somewhat stupefied from the impact) You know, for a second there…yeah. I kinda did.

(RUDE falls down.)

(RENO suddenly falls on top of him.)

RENO: Well…isn't this an awkward moment.

RUDE: Not quite as awkward as that time I caught you in the closet with your pants down and what appeared to be pictures of Tifa in your hand.

RENO: Uh…

RUDE: Or the time your mother told me she had a fetish for bald guys.

RENO: Rude…

RUDE: Or the time you –

RENO: That's enough! God, I never thought I'd be so eager to resume getting my ass kicked! (gets up, steps on RUDE's sunglasses)

RUDE: Hey, that was my best pair!

RENO: (looks at RUDE) You know, we've been working together all these years and it just now occurred to me that I've never seen your eyes before.

RUDE: (pulls out another pair of sunglasses) Take a picture. It'll last longer.

RENO: Don't mind if I do! (pulls out digital camera) Say cheese, partner! (takes a picture of RUDE without his glasses on)

RUDE: Note to self: Ask the boss for a new partner.

RENO: You've been saying that for years and you never have. I think you like me more than you're willing to admit, Rude.

RUDE: Can we just talk about this later? This scene's homoerotic enough already.

(They get up and continue the fight)

**(Scene switches to TIFA and DENZEL again. TIFA is unconscious for no apparent reason – we never see exactly what happened to her between her previous scene and this one. DENZEL finally snaps out of his trance.)**

DENZEL: Huh? How did I get here? (sees TIFA) And what happened to her?

DIRECTOR: It's not important.

DENZEL: Says you!

DIRECTOR: Fine. (pulls an explanation out of his ass) Uh…Bahamut-Sin did it.

DENZEL: That dragon monster?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, him. He did it. Now go kick his ass.

DENZEL: Yeah! (to BAHAMUT-SIN) You hear that, you ugly son of a bitch? I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! BRING IT ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

CASUAL GAMER: Whoa! Where did that come from? He seemed like such a nice, well-adjusted kid before…

(DENZEL runs after BAHAMUT-SIN, TIFA wakes up – and then BARRET shows up out of nowhere and stops DENZEL.)

BARRET: Hey, fool! Leave this to the pros! You take care of your mom!

DENZEL: Wait, Tifa's my mom? That doesn't make sense. She would've been 13 years old when I was born…

BARRET: Oh, you know what I mean! Now go make sure she's all right! And while I'm at it, I might not get another chance to say this, so…don't do milk, stay in drugs, and drink your school! You got all that?

DENZEL: Uh…sure, whatever you say.

TIFA: Barret! I was wondering if you'd ever show up in this movie!

BARRET: I know! It's about goddamn time, huh?

(BARRET leaves to fight BAHAMUT-SIN.)

(RED XIII shows up out of nowhere with CAIT SITH on his back. They join the fight against BAHAMUT-SIN as well.)

CAIT SITH: I can't believe the writers are giving me more dialogue than Red XIII!

ENTIRE AUDIENCE: (in unison) Neither can we.

(A shuriken flies through the air and strikes BAHAMUT-SIN. YUFFIE shows up – you guessed it – out of nowhere in front of TIFA and DENZEL.)

YUFFIE: The nerve of those bad guys! How dare they touch _my_ materia!

TIFA: Um…_your_ materia?

YUFFIE: Oh, yeah. I'd been meaning to tell you. I got Cloud to sign this contract making me the legal owner of all of our materia.

TIFA: Uh-huh. You wouldn't happen to have a copy of this contract, would you?

YUFFIE: As a matter of fact, I do! (pulls contract out of her pocket) The signature's on the dotted line on the last page.

(TIFA skips to the last page.)

TIFA: …This is the most obviously forged signature I have ever seen.

YUFFIE: What are you talking about?

TIFA: Well, for starters, Cloud doesn't write in pink ink. He hates pink.

YUFFIE: Yeah, well…he had to borrow one of my pens. His was dry.

TIFA: A likely story. Oh, and Cloud doesn't dot his I's with hearts either.

YUFFIE: Well…he does now!

TIFA: And his last name is spelled S-T-R-I-_F_-E, not S-T-R-I-P-H-E.

YUFFIE: It's his name! He can spell it however he wants!

TIFA: Nice try, Yuffie. But next time, at the very least, make some kind of effort to disguise your handwriting.

YUFFIE: Damn it! I guess I'll just have to steal it back from the bad guys, won't I?

TIFA: You do that.

YUFFIE: Okay…then I will! (runs off to join the fight)

(TIFA and DENZEL are suddenly attacked by a bunch of shadow monsters. CID shows up out of nowhere and kills them all.)

CID: Hey y'all! I finally made it into the fucking picture!

TIFA: How did you get here so fast?

CID: Check it out! (points upward) It's my newest airship model, the Sierra! Me and the boys from the Highwind crew have spent the last two years designing and building this motherfucker! Figured we'd take it for a little test drive, and we just so happened to stumble upon all this crazy shit!

TIFA: You don't even know what's going on?

CID: Darlin', I asked Reno what was up the other day, and the only thing I got out of him about the events of this here motion picture is that I can get five hundred smackers just for sayin' "dilly dally, shilly shally," whatever the fuck that means.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

TIFA: (to herself) I _never_ should have told Cloud about that bonus…_never_…

DIRECTOR: Yeah, nice going, Tifa. At the rate we're going Square Enix won't have enough money left to finish making this movie. And they're _still_ in the red from _Spirits Within_, so every dollar counts.

CID: Well, now that I'm here, I might as well help you guys out! (runs off to join the fight)

(VINCENT shows up out of nowhere.)

VINCENT: Hello, Tifa.

TIFA: Let me guess…you're here to join the fight.

VINCENT: Actually, I was wondering if you would happen to know where I can buy a phone.

TIFA: Uh, Vincent? The city's under attack! This isn't exactly the best time to shop for a cell phone.

VINCENT: (looks at BAHAMUT-SIN) Pfft. I've had birthday parties that were more dangerous than this.

FF7 FANBOY: (drooling) Soooooo badass…

TIFA: Oh, fine…the cell phone store is right down this street on the left-hand side, between the coffee shop and the weapons store. There's a big neon sign. You can't miss it.

VINCENT: Thanks. (starts to leave, and then stops) By the way, should I get the family talk plan, the rollover minutes, or the normal plan?

TIFA: Knowing you? I'd recommend the rollover minutes. That way you won't lose 'em if you don't use 'em. And you probably won't use 'em.

VINCENT: Thanks. Oh, and do you recommend the camera phone as well? I hear they're pretty cool.

TIFA: You know what? Just get whatever you want.

VINCENT: Okay. See you in a few minutes. (leaves)

DENZEL: So…who were all those people?

TIFA: Believe it or not, they're our friends.

DENZEL: Interesting group.

* * *

The next two chapters will also be devoted to the epic fight scene with Bahamut-Sin. In other words, I had more fun with that scene than anything else in the entire movie. It's also probably the coolest part of the entire film -- yeah, that's right, even cooler than the fight with Sephiroth. (I didn't just spoil that for you, did I? No? Good.)

**Fun Fact:** Squall, Auron, Tifa, and Cloud are all in _Kingdom Hearts 2_. Yet while Squall still remembers what Tifa looks like (see Chapter 3), Auron has forgotten what Cloud looks like. But you, dear readers, already know this stuff. So what's the fun fact? Here it is: I am fully aware that this makes little to no sense.


	12. Chapter 12

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Not only do I not own any characters from _FF7_, but I also don't own any of the characters who make cameos in this chapter. That's a whole lot of characters I don't own.

Also, this is the chapter with the brief nudity in it. You might be surprised by who it is that shows some skin, but if you're familiar with the character design it really shouldn't be all that surprising.

* * *

12. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 – IT'S ALSO AN EXCUSE FOR THE FILM TO SHOEHORN A BUNCH OF RANDOM CAMEOS INTO THE PLOT

**(The following scenes feature random and somewhat gratuitous cameos by characters from other _Final Fantasy_ games.)**

**(Scene switches to BARRET firing at BAHAMUT-SIN. All of a sudden WAKKA shows up out of nowhere.)**

WAKKA: Hey, brudda! Figured you could use some help, ya?

BARRET: Less talking, more hurting this monster!

WAKKA: All right, all right…stand back…_boo-yah!_ (throws blitzball at BAHAMUT-SIN)

(The blitzball bounces off its body and appears to have done little to no damage.)

WAKKA: Damn! I hardly even scratched the thing!

BARRET: Well, what did you expect? Your weapon's a goddamn _ball_!

**(Scene switches to CID, KAIN, KIMAHRI, and FREYA standing together carrying their lances.)**

CID: All right, let's take this motherfucker down!

KAIN: Dragon Knights, HO!

FREYA: I AM NOT!

KIMAHRI: …

KAIN: Um…that's our battle cry…

FREYA: Oh…so it is. Carry on, then.

KIMAHRI: Kimahri thought it was a poorly used reference to _Thundercats._

KAIN: Well…I guess it could be both.

(They attack.)

**(Scene switches to a group of characters from _FF8._)**

ZELL: (sees BAHAMUT-SIN and drops his hot dog in shock) Holy shit, dude! Look at the size of that thing! It's insane!

RINOA: We've got to stop it before it destroys the city!

SQUALL: (leaning against a wall) …Whatever.

RINOA: What do you _mean_, "whatever"? Lives are at stake here, Squall!

SQUALL: …Whatever. It's not even our game universe. Why should we care?

SEIFER: Ah, leave him alone. Looks like he's too much of a chicken-wuss to fight.

SQUALL: …Whatever.

SEIFER: See, Rinoa? He's not denying it. Now why don't you come and fight by the side of a _real_ man?

IRVINE: Come on, Squall, you're not gonna let Seifer cock-block you, are ya?

SQUALL: …Whatever.

IRVINE: Isn't there anything that might make you want to come with us?

SQUALL: (mumbling)…Hmm…maybe I'll see that hot girl from the church again…

RINOA: What was that?

SQUALL: Uh…I said, "I sure am glad to have Rinoa for a girlfriend."

ZELL: Well, if you want to keep her…

RINOA: I can speak for myself, Zell…

ZELL: …You're gonna have to come with us.

SQUALL: …Whatever.

(They all join the fight.)

**(Scene switches to BRASKA and AURON as they fight BAHAMUT-SIN.)**

BRASKA: Stand back, everyone! I'm about to finish this monster off once and for all!

CID: Pfft. The hell's he gonna do, throw his staff at it?

BRASKA: I will summon…_the Final Aeon_!

AURON: Braska, don't! It's going to kill you!

BRASKA: I'm sorry…I don't have a choice. We must finish this fight!

AURON: But what about your daughter?

BRASKA: …Promise me you'll take good care of her.

AURON: …All right, I promise.

BRASKA: Oh, and whatever you do, don't let her become a summoner.

AURON: …Heh, heh…now, why would she do that?

BRASKA: You're a good man, Auron. Well, here goes nothing! (summons the Final Aeon, dies)

AURON: Don't worry, old friend. Your death will not have been in vain!

(BAHAMUT-SIN kills the Final Aeon.)

AURON: Ah, damn it. I guess his death really _was_ in vain after all. I'd better make sure to never tell his daughter about that…

(YUNA shows up out of nowhere behind AURON.)

YUNA: Tell me…what?

AURON: Oh, nothing.

YUNA: You're a bad liar, you know?

AURON: …Yeah. I know.

**(Scene switches to a group of men standing in an alley. Some of the men are all named BIGGS. Others are all named WEDGE. The rest are all named CID – except for CID HIGHWIND, who is in the middle of fighting, that is.)**

RANDOM GUY NAMED BIGGS: Biggs Battalion, attack!

(All the men named BIGGS attack.)

RANDOM GUY NAMED WEDGE: Wedge Regiment, establish a perimeter around the field of battle!

(All the men named WEDGE scatter throughout the city square.)

RANDOM GUY NAMED CID: Cid Squadron, get to your airships!

(All the men named CID – well, except for CID HIGHWIND – get to their airships.)

**(Scene switches to a group of female characters from other games in the series.)**

LULU: (shown from the shoulders up for reasons that will be revealed momentarily) All right, ladies, let's give this beast a nice dose of girl power! (turns to face the others) Who's with me?

(There is a brief, awkward silence.)

RIKKU: (giggling like a schoolgirl)

LULU: What?

TERRA: Wow…all I can say is, I'm so glad I've got Magiteks to cover me up.

LULU: I don't understand.

PAINE: It's your dress.

BEATRIX: Yeah, you might wanna fix that before we join the battle.

LULU: Why? What's wrong with my dress?

PAINE: Take a look.

(The camera zooms out, revealing that LULU has – how should I put this? – fallen victim to the dreaded "double nip-slip.")

LULU: …Yeah, this isn't good.

ENTIRE MALE AUDIENCE: YES THEY ARE! OH HELL YES THEY ARE!

LULU: Oh, be quiet – all of you.

RIKKU: (giggling gradually ceases) You're taking this a lot better than I would have thought, you know.

LULU: (fixing her dress) Haven't you ever noticed how low I usually wear this dress? Honestly, I'm amazed that this has never happened to me before.

VOICE: I say you leave them out!

LULU: What? Why?

(The camera pans around to reveal the speaker – it's CLOUD and he's dressed in drag.)

CLOUD: (faking a more feminine voice) Perhaps they'll…uh…distract Bahamut-Sin! Yeah, he'll take one look at those babies and just be like, "Whoa!" and stop everything, giving us all the opportunity to finish him off!

PAINE: Nice try, Cloud.

CLOUD: …Damn! (takes the wig off as he leaves)

FF7 FANBOY: See? I told you he wasn't gay.

CASUAL GAMER: The whole cross-dressing thing still creeps me out, though.

**(Scene switches to ZIDANE and DAGGER running into the town square.)**

ZIDANE: Holy crap, Dagger! And here I thought your mom had learned her lesson…

DAGGER: Um…that's not one of _my_ summon spells.

ZIDANE: Oh. Well…look what it's doing to this town! Let's go kick its ass!

DAGGER: Are you crazy? Why do you want to fight that thing?

ZIDANE: Hey, that kinda reminds me of the story of Sir Edmund Hillary.

DAGGER: Who?

ZIDANE: Sir Edmund Hillary. He was a real-life explorer from New Zealand. He wanted to climb to the top of Mount Everest, something that nobody had ever done before. Everyone thought it was impossible except for Sir Edmund. And he worked hard and persevered and made it to the top of that mountain, with his Sherpa friend Tenzing Norgay at his side.

DAGGER: And how exactly is this relevant?

ZIDANE: Well, whenever people asked him why he wanted to climb to the top of Mount Everest, he told them all the same answer.

DAGGER: And? What did he say?

ZIDANE: "Because it's there."

(ZIDANE runs off to join the fight, and DAGGER, although somewhat reluctant, soon follows – but ZIDANE, not paying much attention to where he's going, bumps into TIFA by accident.)

TIFA: Ow! Hey, watch where you're going!

ZIDANE: Oh, sorry about – (sees TIFA) th-th-that…

TIFA: Um…are you all right?

ZIDANE: Never better…you know, it's almost as if we were _destined_ to bump into each other here…at this time…in this town…during this kickass action scene. And there's _nobody_ else in the entire world that I would've rather bumped into than a babe like you.

DAGGER: (catches up, and is visibly pissed at ZIDANE) Hey, what about me?

ZIDANE: (noticing that DAGGER has caught up with him) You're right, Dagger…this is quite a dilemma I've gotten myself into.

DAGGER: Oh, good grief…

ZIDANE: On the one hand, (puts arm around TIFA) there's a beautiful young brunette who looks like she knows how to kick some ass, _and_ she's got an incredible rack to boot.

TIFA: (rolls her eyes)

ZIDANE: On the other hand, (puts other arm around DAGGER's waist) there's a beautiful young brunette who I know from personal experience can kick some ass…and also has a pretty kickin' ass. (affectionately pats DAGGER's ass)

DAGGER: (rolls her eyes)

ZIDANE: Ladies, there's only one way to settle this. (brief pause) We're gonna need a kiddie pool, a couple large bags of soil, about 15-20 gallons of high-quality H2O, and…we're gonna need you both to put on the tiniest string bikinis you can find and wrestle each other in it.

(There is a brief and awkward silence.)

TIFA: Oh, I'd _totally_ do that. But as much fun as rolling around in the mud with a total stranger sounds… (to DAGGER) do you want to slap him first, or should I do the honors?

DAGGER: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I know how to take care of him. (grabs ZIDANE by the tail and starts to drag him away)

ZIDANE: (to DAGGER) Hey, she sounded like she was up to the challenge!

TIFA: Apparently sarcasm is easily lost on some people.

ZIDANE: (shouting to TIFA from a greater distance now) You didn't _sound_ sarcastic at all!

TIFA: Oh, please. Anyone could have figured out that I had no interest at all in accepting the challenge.

DIRECTOR: Actually, Tifa…he's got a point there. Your delivery simply wasn't convincing enough.

TIFA: Come on! You may be the director, but you're still a typical guy. You were probably secretly hoping that Dagger and I would be willing to make fools of ourselves for your entertainment. But I ask you…what kind of role models would we be for the young women of this country – no, this _planet_ – if we had actually agreed to do it?

DIRECTOR: Well, it certainly wouldn't have hurt DVD sales…but you really didn't give the line the convincing sarcastic delivery that you wanted to give it.

TIFA'S ACTING COACH (who is female, by the way): I hate to say it, but he's right, Tifa.

TIFA: Oh, fine! We'll just overdub that line later.

**(Scene switches to VINCENT leaving the cell phone store, trying out his new phone.)**

VINCENT: Can you hear me now? … Good.

(He walks a few more steps.)

VINCENT: Can you hear me now? … Good.

(He walks a few more steps.)

VINCENT: Can you hear me _now_? … I said, can you hear me now? … I said…oh, never mind…(hangs up phone)

(QUINA shows up out of nowhere.)

QUINA: HELLO!

VINCENT: …Who the hell are you?

QUINA: I Quina Quen! I help you kill bad guy! And after we kill bad guy, I prepare big delicious meal for everyone!

VINCENT: (still confused) Uh…

QUINA: I from _Final Fantasy 9_.

VINCENT: All right, _now_ the writers are just throwing in random cameos for the sake of throwing in random cameos. What is this, _Kingdom Hearts 3_?

(SORA shows up out of nowhere.)

SORA: You rang?

VINCENT: …I hate my life.

* * *

This was my favorite chapter to write and read throughin this entire fic. Hands down, bar none. More fun than the "hair gel" scene. More fun than the "dilly dally, shilly shally" scene. More fun than the debate between Rude and Rufus in Chapter 2. And no, not because of Lulu's ta-tas. Although I really must know -- what is her secret? How does she keep that dress up? It's so long and wornso low that all she has to do is step on it once -- just once -- and it'll fall right off. Maybe it's all those belts underneath that do the trick, I don't know.

Anyhoo, just five chapters left and we're all done.

**Fun Fact:** This one might please the guys in the audience. I actuallyconsidered writing a bonus scene that would take place after the events of _Advent_ _Children_ where Zidane gets his wish and Dagger and Tifa agree to the mud wrestling match. There was to be a little wager involved between Zidane and Dagger, who is sick of his constant flirting with other girls, that went something like this: If Dagger wins, he stops the flirting and they go steady, and if Tifa wins, Zidane is free to flirt with whoever he wants. He foolishly agrees to the bet, not realizing that he's left the door open for Dagger to ask Tifa to lose on purpose so she can win the bet. Tifa, annoyed by his flirting with her in this chapter, agrees to do itand loses on purpose. So if I knew exactly what I wanted to do with this idea, why didn't I do it? Well -- no pun intended here -- I was afraid it would leave me feeling dirty. So I'll leave this one to your imagination.

**Fun Fact #2:** The "Sir Edmund Hillary" bit with Zidane and Dagger is a parody of the "Ipsen and Colin" scene with the same two characters in _Final Fantasy 9_. The setting was considerably different, though.


	13. Chapter 13

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I know you're getting tired of reading these author's notes -- hey, I'm getting tired of typing them --but I still don't own anything.

* * *

13. HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY! MIGHTY CLOUD IS ON HIS WAY!

**(Scene switches back to TIFA and DENZEL in the town square. CLOUD shows up on a motorcycle – thankfully, he's wearing his normal clothing now.)**

CLOUD: Hi, Tifa. Before you ask – I took Marlene home, so don't worry.

TIFA: Who's keeping an eye on her?

CLOUD: …That's a good question.

DIRECTOR: It's not important. Just get on with the scene.

CLOUD: You do realize the critics are going to have a field day with this film if you keep glossing over the details, don't you?

DIRECTOR: Who's going to review this film? It's going straight to DVD. Nobody reviews films that go straight to DVD.

CLOUD: Why not?

DIRECTOR: Don't ask me, 'cause I don't know why, but it's like that…and that's the way it is.

CLOUD: Oh, whatever. (to TIFA) So…what did I miss?

TIFA: Well, you missed the part where the bad guys summoned Bahamut-Sin, all the entrances of all of our friends, a ton of random cameos from other _Final Fantasy_ characters, a little bit of product placement…oh, and I got hit on by a boy with a tail. Did I forget anything?

CLOUD: Yeah. You forgot the part where Lulu's ta-tas popped out of her dress.

TIFA: So it finally happened, huh?

CLOUD: Yeah, it finally happened.

TIFA: And this after I _told_ her to try wearing her dress a little higher…wait a second, how did _you_ know about that?

CLOUD: I, uh…heard it through the grapevine. You know, while I was doing all that dilly dallying and shilly shallying, or whatever you said…

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

TIFA: You guys are all doing this on purpose, aren't you?

CLOUD: Actually, I was supposed to say it that time. So…wanna go for a ride?

DENZEL: Oh, I see where this is going…don't worry, I'll just, uh, go check on Marlene. (starts to leave) I'll see you later, right?

CLOUD: (looks at BAHAMUT-SIN, then back at DENZEL) Uh…I hope so.

(DENZEL leaves.)

(TIFA gets on the motorcycle.)

BARRET: (looks over and sees them) Hey, where the hell d'you think you're going?

CLOUD: We're gonna go make out for a little bit!

(TIFA blushes and tries to hide her smile.)

CLOUD: You think you guys can hold this thing off for a few minutes?

BARRET: D-d-d-DAMN! And to think I was actually looking forward to seeing your spiky-headed ass!

CLOUD: (laughing) Have fun, Barret! (drives off)

BARRET: (mumbling to himself) Goddamn stupid spiky-headed little…

(The fight continues for a few more minutes. Everyone except for CLOUD and TIFA continues to attack BAHAMUT-SIN without much success. BAHAMUT-SIN then fires a huge energy blast, but CID attacks his head, causing the blast to be redirected, striking a building. Various pieces of debris fall from the building. One such piece is about to crush BARRET…until CLOUD shows up out of nowhere – seems to be a trend today – and saves him before it lands.)

BARRET: What the hell's goin' on? That must've been a really short make-out session…

CLOUD: What? I was just kidding, Barret. I'd never abandon you guys in the middle of a battle! Right, Tifa?

TIFA: (obviously disappointed) Yeah…right. (walks away to continue the battle)

CLOUD: (scratching his head) Jeez…what's her deal?

BARRET: (grinning) You mean you _still_ ain't figured it out?

CLOUD: Figured what out?

BARRET: Man, you really _are_ dense.

(The fight continues.)

**(Scene switches to RUFUS and KADAJ in the abandoned building. RUFUS is still in his wheelchair, which will become completely useless in about fifteen seconds.)**

KADAJ: (eating popcorn) Damn, this actually turned out to be pretty entertaining. So…care to see the sequel?

(RUFUS is so angered by the events of the battle that he stands up sharply, rendering his wheelchair completely useless, and reveals that he's been carrying Jenova all along.)

KADAJ and AUDIENCE: WHAT THE FUCK?

RUFUS: A good son would have known.

KADAJ: (drops his popcorn) You mean…

RUFUS: Yes, Kadaj…I am your father.

KADAJ: (throws his head back, extends his arms for a more dramatic pose) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**(Scene switches back to the fight against BAHAMUT-SIN, who is hovering above the city as if he's waiting for CLOUD to attack him. CLOUD jumps to do just that and is helped by his friends along the way.)**

BARRET: (grabs CLOUD's hand, flings him up) Go, Cloud, go!

(CLOUD reaches BAHAMUT-SIN and is knocked back down while BAHAMUT-SIN ascends.)

CID: (catches CLOUD with his lance) Fly!

CAIT SITH: (on RED XIII's back, grabs CLOUD's shirt and flings him up) Up, up, and away, Cloud!

RED XIII: Go!

YUFFIE: (grabs CLOUD under his foot and pushes him up) Go!

VINCENT: (jumps off a building, grabs CLOUD's hand in midair, and flings him up) Go, Cloud, go!

(Upon landing, VINCENT raises his hand in the shape of the "devil horns" and flicks his wrist a couple times.)

(TIFA jumps off an even taller building and grabs CLOUD's hand.)

TIFA: (whispering) _I love you, Cloud…_ (throws him up) …I always have and always will

CLOUD: (to himself) Wish I could read lips. I couldn't make out a word she just said.

CASUAL GAMER: (pulling hair out in frustration)

FF7 FANBOY: (banging head against the wall)

(BAHAMUT-SIN and CLOUD fly toward each other. Suddenly BAHAMUT-SIN fires a huge ball of energy at CLOUD. CLOUD goes through the ball of energy and sees a white light and AERITH's hand extended toward him.)

CLOUD: Aerith? Does this mean…you forgive me?

AERITH: …It's a start. (throws him up)

(CLOUD draws the energy from the energy ball and performs Climhazzard on BAHAMUT-SIN. The attack slices the monster in half, killing it instantly. It disintegrates as CLOUD flips through the air and finally lands on the ground.)

(WEIRD MORTAL KOMBAT GUY appears in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

WEIRD MORTAL KOMBAT GUY: TOASTY!

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 has finally come to a close – and is about to segue right into KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5.)

* * *

So, how many of you picked up on the Mighty Mouse joke in the chapter title?

This chapter in particular brings to light perhaps my favorite running gag of the fic, although I touched on it before. Tifa's gota thing for Cloud, see, and throughout the whole thing she tries to make her feelings for him more and more obvious, but hecontinuesfailing to receive any of her signals.

And I just had to include the Toasty Guy from_Mortal Kombat_here. Honestly, though, I'll be surprised if it gets any laughs, since it's so obvious a joke. Sorry, Toasty Guy. I should have done you better justice.

**Fun Fact:** The bit where Cloud's friends fling him up toward Bahamut-Sin comes pretty much directly from the part in the first_Spider-Man_ movie where Peter is trying out his new web-shooting powers. Even the way Vincent raises his hand in the shape of the devil horns and flicks his wrist comes from that scene. God, I loved that movie. Made me want to shoot webbing out of my wrists too.


	14. Chapter 14

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Own these characters, I do not. Read and review, I think you should. Enjoy the fic and find it humorous, I hope you do. Annoying, Yoda-speak can get after a while, doesn't it?

* * *

14. TESTING THE THEORY THAT FREEWAY CHASE SCENES CANNOT BE EXCITING WITHOUT TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD TO PROVIDE OBSTACLES

**(CASUAL GAMER pauses the film.)**

CASUAL GAMER: You know, I just thought of something funny.

FF7 FANBOY: What's that?

CASUAL GAMER: There was a whole bunch of _FF7_ characters involved in that fight against Bahamut-Sin. And then a bunch of random characters from other _Final Fantasy_ games showed up and started fighting him too. And the fight proceeded for a pretty long time without anyone doing any real damage to Bahamut-Sin. It really gives you the impression that this is going to be a very tough fight, and then Cloud shows up and kicks his ass within five minutes.

FF7 FANBOY: I fail to see the humor in that. He's just that awesome.

CASUAL GAMER: Dude. There were, like, dozens of other characters in that battle whose presence ended up being completely unnecessary. Either they really suck, or Cloud's been doing a whole lot of leveling up.

FF7 FANBOY: Dude. It's frickin' Cloud. He's just awesome. If he wanted to, he could probably beat the crap out of…well, pretty much anyone.

CASUAL GAMER: Still, don't you think maybe they might have made him a little too powerful?

FF7 FANBOY: Shut up and unpause the movie.

CASUAL GAMER: Oh, whatever. (un-pauses the film)

**(Scene switches back to RUFUS and KADAJ. KADAJ tries to attack RUFUS, but RUFUS dodges it by jumping off the ledge. He pulls out a gun and starts shooting at KADAJ.)**

KADAJ: Hey! Give me my mother, you…you…meanie! (jumps off the ledge)

RUFUS: (shouting to KADAJ) Did you hire Rikku to come up with your insults?

(RENO and RUDE see RUFUS falling.)

RENO: So, it seems the boss has decided to take a kamikaze approach to getting rid of Jenova.

RUDE: Great. Well, I guess this means we have to save him now. He'd better give us a raise for this one.

(RUFUS tries to shoot the box containing the JENOVA cells while falling. He misses and hits himself in the leg.)

RUFUS: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

(RUFUS tries again. This time he actually hits the box and releases it. KADAJ catches it while falling.)

KADAJ: Yes! Finally! Mother, I have you at last!

(RENO and RUDE arrive at the bottom of the building.)

RENO: Don't worry, boss! We've got you!

(RUDE shoots a net to catch RUFUS, who is still falling. All of a sudden TSENG and ELENA show up out of nowhere.)

ELENA: Hey, we were supposed to do that!

RUDE: I thought you two were dead.

TSENG: Well, it's actually a pretty interesting story…

DIRECTOR: It's not important. Get on with the scene.

(Meanwhile, RUFUS continues to fall. He falls through the net and crashes to the ground. His wheelchair has just become useful again, but naturally, it's still up on the ledge.)

RUDE: Ooh…that's gonna leave a few marks.

RENO: Uh…sorry, Mr. President!

RUFUS: YOU IDIOTS!

(KADAJ lands near a conveniently located motorcycle not far from where RENO and RUDE are standing. He checks the box to make sure it's okay, and then looks _past_ RENO and RUDE to see CLOUD approaching on his motorcycle a couple hundred feet away. He gets on his motorcycle and drives off.)

RENO: (watches CLOUD pass them in pursuit of KADAJ) Oh, sure, Kadaj. Never mind the two guys standing right in front of you who are perfectly capable of kicking your ass…_Cloud's_ coming, so you'd better get the fuck out of here. (to RUDE) Man, when do we get to do something cool?

RUDE: Remember that scene where we fought with Yazoo and Loz? That was our cool something.

RENO: What? We hardly got to do anything at all! The film kept cutting away from us!

DIRECTOR: You guys are mostly for comic relief. Just be glad you got to do something that was even kind of cool.

RENO: (obviously not satisfied) Fuck that shit! You hear me, Square Enix? As God is my witness, _I will not let the credits roll before I do something cool_!

(The credits start to roll.)

RENO: Very funny, you assholes.

**(Meanwhile, KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5 is underway. CLOUD is chasing KADAJ, YAZOO, and LOZ on a motorcycle. They drive through the city – whose name _still_ has yet to be revealed by the film – and eventually reach a highway with no traffic on it where CLOUD fights YAZOO and LOZ while they drive their motorcycles. They eventually reach a tunnel and continue to fight in that tunnel. CLOUD beats the crap out of YAZOO and LOZ and destroys their weapons and one of their motorcycles, forcing them to share the other.)**

CASUAL GAMER: Man, these guys both suck.

FF7 FANBOY: They're fighting Cloud! Of course he'll kick their asses!

CASUAL GAMER: Yeah, because he came _soooo_ close to beating them back in KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3.

FF7 FANBOY: He did, actually.

CASUAL GAMER: Bullshit. I'm starting to believe that Kadaj really does have all the superior genes. Notice how both times these two have fought Cloud without him they've let Cloud get away, while the one time Kadaj fought with them was when Vincent had to show up and get Cloud out of there before he could get his ass kicked.

FF7 FANBOY: Yeah, well…he's the good guy! He's supposed to win!

CASUAL GAMER: I know. It's just that he's making these two guys look completely incompetent and unnecessary in the process.

FF7 FANBOY: Can't you just sit back and enjoy the film without ripping on it all the time?

CASUAL GAMER: Excuse me for expecting the filmmakers to pay attention to the little details just as much as they do the big things.

FF7 FANBOY: I'm never watching this movie with you again. You're taking all the fun out of it.

**(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5 pauses for a moment. We see KADAJ zooming down the road far away from the tunnel. Scene switches to RENO and RUDE standing at the exit of the tunnel.)**

RUDE: Hey, Reno?

RENO: Yo.

RUDE: Cloud and the evil triplets are all riding really fast motorcycles, right?

RENO: Yep.

RUDE: And there was nothing in our previous scene that suggested that we had come into possession of a vehicle, right?

RENO: Yeah.

RUDE: And even if we had acquired a vehicle, we never could have caught up to any of the others, much less pass them, right?

RENO: I don't know. Probably. What are you getting at?

RUDE: I guess what I'm getting at is…how the hell did we get here before Cloud, Yazoo, and Loz?

DIRECTOR: It's not important.

RENO: Yeah. Besides, we _had_ to beat them here somehow so we could finally get to do something cool.

RUDE: Oh, God, not this again…

RENO: Check this motherfucker out! (pulls out a bomb)

RUDE: Where in the fuck did you get _that_?

DIRECTOR: Again, not important, get on with the scene, yadda yadda yadda, you know the deal by now.

RUDE: (to DIRECTOR) Yes, it is important! Why in the fuck would you trust someone like Reno with a bomb? Am I the only sane person on this entire set?

RENO: Well, you know what they say, Rude…dilly dally, shilly shally.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RENO: Yes!

RUDE: …Reno, I swear to God, I'm going to beat your fucking face in if I hear you say "dilly dally, shilly shally" one more goddamned time.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RUDE: FUCK! Now you've got _me_ doing it!

(As RENO laughs, motorcycle engines can be heard echoing through the tunnel, coming toward them.)

RENO: Well, here they come. Can you believe it, Rude? Our last scene in the film is about to come to an end. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

DIRECTOR: (starts flipping through the script)

RUDE: Just set the damn bomb, Reno.

(RENO watches CLOUD zoom by on his motorcycle and sets the bomb after he passes.)

RENO: Fire in the hole, pretty boys!

(RENO and RUDE take cover.)

(The bomb detonates just as YAZOO and LOZ reach it – and turns out to be fireworks. The words "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY FROM ALL OF US AT SQUARE ENIX" appear on the screen.)

RENO: What the fuck? FIREWORKS? Damn it! Son of a bitch! Just once, I'd like to do something cool in this movie without it turning into comedy relief!

RUDE: You're not paying attention, Reno! Look!

(YAZOO and LOZ, disoriented and badly burned by the fireworks, crash their motorcycle on the side of the highway and go flying off onto the asphalt.)

RENO: Well, I'll be damned…those fireworks came in handy after all.

RUDE: Satisfied now, Reno?

RENO: …You know what? It's cool enough for me. What do you say we collect our paychecks and get out of here…partner?

RUDE: Sounds good to me.

DIRECTOR: (stops flipping through the script) Actually, you guys are still in one more scene.

RENO and RUDE: WHAT?

**(Scene switches to CLOUD, who is still in pursuit of KADAJ. Eventually he catches up to KADAJ and they start attacking each other with their swords while driving. They end up flying off the road and land on a hill below.)**

CASUAL GAMER: And _that_ is why the first thing they teach you in every Driver's Ed class is to never take your eyes off the road.

FF7 FANBOY: I must admit, though, I've always been kind of curious about what it would be like to have a sword fight while driving.

CASUAL GAMER: I am so glad you were too busy breeding chocobos to get your driver's license.

FF7 FANBOY: Hey, the Knights of the Round materia is definitely worth all that effort.

(CLOUD and KADAJ go skidding down the side of the hill, still attacking each other with their swords. KADAJ stabs CLOUD in the left shoulder and rides off while CLOUD stops and tears off his left sleeve. The geostigma in CLOUD's left arm has gotten very severe. This moment marks the end of KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5. But not to worry – KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 will begin shortly.)

CASUAL GAMER: Eww…that looks pretty damn bad.

FF7 FANBOY: Did you expect a diseased arm to be pretty?

CASUAL GAMER: No. I'm just saying that since it looks that bad, he probably shouldn't be doing all this crazy shit.

FF7 FANBOY: Oh, come on. He's Cloud, for crying out loud. He can do anything.

CASUAL GAMER: You know, if it weren't for those markings all over his arm, I'd say Cloud was pretty healthy. Other than that, he seems completely normal. Come to think of it, so does everyone else with geostigma. I guess it's not that bad a disease after all.

FF7 FANBOY: Um, hello? It can kill you!

CASUAL GAMER: Yeah, and aside from that and those nasty marks all over your body, what does it do? Without the blemishes, how can you tell a diseased person apart from a healthy one?

FF7 FANBOY: …Well, that just makes it scarier! You don't know how to tell who has it, so anyone could have it! You could catch it from anyone!

CASUAL GAMER: …Wow. You have just completely mastered the art of bullshit. Congratulations.

* * *

I'll be honest. I've seen this movie, I've read about it, and I've read the actual script countless times while writing this fic, and I'm still not entirely certain what geostigma does. I think I might be kind of close, but if anyone has a better understanding of it, by all means, help me out.

And does anyone else find it amusing that the Turks were these tough but sometimes funny characters (that kicked my ass more times than I'd like to admit) in the game, and then they're mostly comic relief in the movie? Oh, and where do Tseng and Elena come from?

But anyways, that's enough of this mini-rant. On to Chapter 15!

**Fun Fact:** For the part where Rude threatens Reno for saying "dilly dally, shilly shally" in this chapter, I had originally considered using a memorable line from _Pulp Fiction_ to get Rude's point across.The line would have sounded something like,"Say it! Say that again! I dare ya! I double-dare ya, motherfucker! Say "dilly dally, shilly shally" one more goddamned time!" And to a certain extent, it's in there. But it didn't really sound like something Rude would say, so I decided against it. Of course, since by now Reno's constant repetition of the line has driven him nuts, I suppose it would make a little more sense in that context.


	15. Chapter 15

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I own nothing. And don't worry...there are only two of these repetitive author's notes left after this one.

* * *

15. THE MAKERS OF THIS FILM CLEARLY WANT YOU TO BE SICK AND TIRED OF KICKASS ACTION SCENES BY THE TIME THIS FILM IS OVER

**(Scene switches to KADAJ inside the church. He pulls out the box containing the JENOVA cells.)**

KADAJ: Mother!

(He looks at the box and then cries out. Apparently he's now realized that RUFUS had shot it just before KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5 began.)

KADAJ: Mother! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

CASUAL GAMER: God, Kadaj is just so…_emo_.

FF7 FANBOY: Now _that_ we can agree on.

(Suddenly an EMO KID shows up out of nowhere. What's with all these random characters popping up out of nowhere? (_Editor's Note: Could it be your shoddy screenwriting? No, that couldn't possibly be it_…))

EMO KID: God, you guys are such idiots. "Emo" refers to a genre of music. The word "emo" is a short name for "emotive hardcore rock music," bands like Fugazi or Sunny Day Real Estate. That's all. A person cannot actually _be_ emo. Those whiny kids who wear hoodies and eyeliner and girl pants and mope about while writing shitty poetry in their diaries all day between shopping trips to Hot Topic are just a bunch of posers who know nothing about the scene. Obviously, you two know about as much or even less.

(There is a brief silence.)

CASUAL GAMER: Hey, did we ask _you_ for your input, Willy Wikipedia? No.

FF7 FANBOY: Seriously. Just go back to listening to your shitty Bright Eyes and Death Cab For Cutie albums now. We're watching a movie here.

EMO KID: (eyes start to water) DEATH CAB AND BRIGHT EYES DO NOT SUCK! (runs away crying and locks himself in his bedroom)

(CASUAL GAMER and FF7 FANBOY both laugh.)

CASUAL GAMER: Wow…what a pansy.

FF7 FANBOY: I know. That's why I can't stand emo kids, man. They're such crybabies.

CASUAL GAMER: "I hate emo kids because they cry too easily," says the guy who cried over the death of a fictional video game character.

FF7 FANBOY: Okay, now you've crossed the line. Aerith's death was a very poignant scene!

(TELLAH, GALUF, and GENERAL LEO show up out of nowhere.)

TELLAH: My death scene was poignant too, but you didn't cry over that.

FF7 FANBOY: I would have under normal circumstances, but after you said "You spoony bard," I simply couldn't take you seriously as a character. Every time I saw you on screen all I could think of was that line.

TELLAH: Curse Square's script writers…thanks to them, I'm remembered more for one stupid line of dialogue than anything else. Hell, they etched the damned phrase on my tombstone!

(We see a quick shot of TELLAH's grave. The tombstone reads, "HERE LIES TELLAH – EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE STILL CAN'T STAND SPOONY BARDS.")

TIFA: (off-screen) And then they wonder why the only reason I said you-know-what was that bonus.

GALUF: Well, what about my death scene? They tried using Phoenix Downs and life spells and everything on me! You're telling me that didn't bother you at all?

FF7 FANBOY: Wait, you died in _FF5_?

GALUF: You didn't know?

FF7 FANBOY: I never got that far. The plot just didn't hold my interest. The villain's name was X-Death, for crying out loud. How interesting could it have been?

GENERAL LEO: Well, I know you got far enough to see _me_ die.

FF7 FANBOY: Sorry, Leo. I liked Kefka too much to feel sorry for you.

CASUAL GAMER: I can't believe I'm still sitting through all this. Can we get back to the movie now?

(The film _finally_ continues after this lengthy interlude.)

CASUAL GAMER: Thank you!

(KADAJ hears CLOUD's motorcycle approaching outside. CLOUD pops a wheelie and opens the door with his bike – as opposed to simply getting off the bike and opening the door by hand, because this way is cooler. KADAJ attacks him with magic, allowing him to run away like the pansy he is.)

KADAJ: Hey, I'm not a pansy!

(KADAJ realizes that he is, in fact, a pansy.)

KADAJ: Stop that!

(KADAJ continues to whine like a little baby.)

KADAJ: Knock it off! You're breaking the fourth wall again!

(KADAJ realizes that arguing with THE WRITER is totally futile and will accomplish nothing.)

KADAJ: Oh, I fucking give up! I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Hollywood screenwriters!

(To show just how angry he is, KADAJ attacks CLOUD and knocks him off his motorcycle. He then drives away. Meanwhile, CLOUD is about to suffer another geostigma attack when – wait a minute, is it starting to _rain_ indoors?)

CLOUD: (looking up) What the hell is going on?

CASUAL GAMER: You know, I rip on meteorologists all the time, but I think this time I'll cut them a little slack – nobody could have predicted an indoor rainstorm.

(The rain cures CLOUD's geostigma.)

CLOUD: Sweet!

(CASUAL GAMER is hopelessly confused.)

CASUAL GAMER: That's it? _That's_ the cure for geostigma? Water?

FF7 FANBOY: Come on. That's not just _any_ water.

CASUAL GAMER: (sarcastically) Oh, of course it's not. It's obviously holy water that Aerith somehow managed to bless from beyond the grave, somewhere in the Lifestream or wherever the hell people go when they die in this game, infusing it with her special Cetra powers that allow it to cure geostigma.

(AERITH's voice can be heard coming from the water.)

AERITH: Cloud! I've somehow infused my Cetra powers into this water from beyond the grave, allowing it to cure geostigma! You're all better now! Now let's go take care of Kadaj!

(CASUAL GAMER's jaw hits the fucking floor.)

CASUAL GAMER: You have _got_ to be kidding.

FF7 FANBOY: Good call, dude. You should really consider a career in screenwriting.

CASUAL GAMER: (still stunned) You have _got_ to be kidding. I can't fucking believe that's actually what happens. I was just pulling that out of my ass.

FF7 FANBOY: Told you it wasn't just any water.

**(Scene switches to KADAJ and CLOUD at the Midgar ruins. CLOUD pulls out one of his many oversized swords. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 is coming right up.)**

KADAJ: Brother! Great news! I've finally reunited with Mother!

CLOUD: Kadaj…for the last, absolutely final time, I am not your fucking brother.

KADAJ: Pfft. Cloud, you pinhead! This is Square Enix we're dealing with here. The word "final" means nothing to this company anymore. The series is called _FINAL Fantasy_, yet they've got _Final Fantasy 12 _just now coming out in Japan, new _Final Fantasy 11_ expansion packs coming out every few months, two _Final Fantasy 10_s already on the market, three _Final Fantasy 13_s in the works, and they've still got this "Compilation of _Final Fantasy 7_" thing to finish. That's a shitload of games. And that's not even counting the _Tactics_ games, the _Legend_s, _Mystic Quest_, _Crystal Chronicles_, and all those remakes of earlier games in the series. But did you know that the original _Final Fantasy_ was supposed to be Square Enix's last game? If sales figures for that first game had been any lower, the company could have gone under and you and I wouldn't even exist. (pauses to let it sink in) In fact, since the original was supposed to be their last game, I guess you could say that we were never even meant to exist in the first place.

CLOUD: Kadaj, we're not here to discuss the nature of our existence. The audience expects KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6, and goddamn it, we're going to give them KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6.

KADAJ: Oh, where are my manners? Here I am trying to deliver intelligent, thought-provoking dialogue…in the middle of a mindless action movie based on a video game. What was I thinking?

CLOUD: So, anyway…you've finally got Jenova. What are you going to do now?

KADAJ: I'm going to Disney World, Cloud.

CLOUD: Really?

KADAJ: No, you dumbass! I'm the bad guy! I've been trying to get my hands on Jenova for the entire movie! What the hell did you _think_ I was going to do?

CLOUD: So, you're _not_ going to Disney World?

KADAJ: NO, I AM NOT GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! How fucking dense are you?

CLOUD: But you just said you were going to Disney World. Now you say you aren't. So which is it, Kadaj? Tell the truth this time.

REPUBLICAN AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper!

DEMOCRATIC AUDIENCE MEMBERS: He's not flip-flopping! He's trying to appeal to both the audience members who want to go to Disney World and the audience members who don't want to go to Disney World at the same time.

REST OF AUDIENCE: Who gives a shit? We want to see KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6!

CLOUD: That's right. We have a fight scene to deliver. So…bring it on, you miserable little puppet.

KADAJ: A puppet, am I? Well, you know what they say… (prepares to fire an energy blast out of his hand at CLOUD) _It takes one to know one!_ (fires energy blast at CLOUD)

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 is finally underway. KADAJ and CLOUD battle in the Midgar ruins.)

**(Scene switches to the Sierra – CID's sweet new ride, in case you missed it back in KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 – where the rest of the main cast from _FF7_ is standing, watching KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 through a really big window.)**

YUFFIE: (holding the box o' materia) Hey, bad guys! ALL YOUR MATERIA ARE BELONG TO US!

TIFA: Wow…I guess I can rest easy now that someone has actually said something dumber than…

DIRECTOR: DON'T SAY THAT LINE! We're starting to run out of money!

YUFFIE: Hey, how dare you! It's not nice to interrupt a lady!

TIFA: It's okay, Yuffie…seriously.

YUFFIE: But what did you say that was so dumb? You never say stupid things.

VINCENT: You mean you didn't know? Tifa told Cloud, and Reno overheard it, and then Reno told, like, everyone else. Well…everyone except you, apparently.

YUFFIE: Told everyone what?

TIFA: I had to say a really dumb line earlier in the movie, and the director offered me a $500 bonus for every time I said it, and then everyone else found out and they're all saying it because the director never said that they couldn't get the bonus.

YUFFIE: What's the line?

EVERYONE EXCEPT YUFFIE: "Dilly dally, shilly shally."

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

DIRECTOR: …I hate you all.

TIFA: Well, you should have listened to me when I told you I didn't want to say that line.

(They get back to watching the fight. At one point, the Sierra almost hits CLOUD and KADAJ.)

BARRET: Whoa! That was way too close! Yo Cid, stop this crazy thing!

CID: Ah, shut up. I got this thing under control.

(The Sierra hits something and shakes violently. Several cast members fall down.)

CID: (pretending nothing's happened) Yep…completely under control. (puffs on his cigarette)

BARRET: Well…don't you think we should at least make some kind of effort to help him?

CID: Seems to be doing all right by himself.

BARRET: But one of the most important themes of this entire goddamned movie is Cloud learnin' that he's got friends who will help him when he needs it! And yet here we are standin' around watchin' him fight! What the hell is this, an episode of _Dragon Ball_?

DIRECTOR: Actually, _Dragon Ball_ did provide us with inspiration for some of the action scenes.

VINCENT: And besides…Kadaj is a remnant of Sephiroth. He's like a caterpillar in its cocoon…only much more evil and he doesn't spend his entire life eating. Oh, and there's no cocoon.

CID: He's gonna turn into Sephiroth!

TIFA: I thought you said Reno didn't tell you anything about this movie.

CID: He didn't. I just figured that out by myself just now.

ENTIRE AUDIENCE: And we figured it out a long time ago.

TIFA: I hope Cloud's figured it out.

VINCENT: Knowing Captain Omnislash? I doubt it.

YUFFIE: Then we should go help him out!

CAIT SITH: No, no we shouldn't.

YUFFIE: And why not?

CAIT SITH: Were you not payin' attention, lassie? He's fightin' a bad guy who's gonna turn into Sephiroth! And I don't know about you, but I'd rather not die today! You got that, lassie?

CASUAL GAMER: Since when was Cait Sith Scottish?

FF7 FANBOY: Apparently the casting directors at Square Enix thought it would be cool to let Groundskeeper Willie speak through Cait Sith instead of Reeve.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Ach! Sephiroth wouldn't stand a chance against a well-oiled, ill-tempered Scotsman like me-self.

CASUAL GAMER: You keep telling yourself that.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Aye. Oh, and that Tifa…she's a bonnie lass, isn't she? She can play Willie's bagpipe any day!

CASUAL GAMER: Um…okay…

(The film continues.)

YUFFIE: I can't believe you! I wanna get out there and kick some ass! Why do we have to stay here?

TIFA: Think about it. It's been two years since the last time we were involved in any fights. Sure, we were all at around level 66 or something like that at the time, but we haven't done anything since. Cloud, on the other hand, has apparently been keeping up with his stats. Which is smart, because you never know what'll happen to you while you're traveling the globe making deliveries.

CID: Funny, you'd think a delivery boy would lead a less stressful life.

YUFFIE: This sucks! If I had known sooner that I'd be reduced to glorified-cameo status while those idiots from the Turks get loads of screen time, I never would have signed on to do this movie. Why does Cloud get to do all the cool stuff, anyway? God, he's just the biggest pain in the ass…

TIFA: That's just how he rolls.

BARRET: Well, he's got ten minutes. Then I'm goin' down there.

CID: Are you out of your fucking mind? Sit your ass down and watch the goddamn FIGHT!

BARRET: Hey, we got involved in this fight too. And you know what I always say…

TIFA: We know, we know…

EVERYONE EXCEPT BARRET: "There ain't no gettin' offa this train we on 'til we get to the end of the line!"

BARRET: Damn. Didn't realize I said it _that _much. But in ten minutes, I'm goin' down there. Well, unless Kadaj turns into Sephiroth first. Then Cloud's on his own.

**(Scene switches back to CLOUD and KADAJ as they continue their fight. It's really cool. Eventually CLOUD finally defeats KADAJ, who is left hanging off a ledge by one hand. KADAJ suddenly throws the box containing JENOVA at CLOUD. CLOUD is distracted, allowing KADAJ to jump from the ledge and grab the box as he falls.)**

KADAJ: This is it, big brother…my Reunion. An old friend of yours has been waiting to see you…

(KADAJ allows the JENOVA cells inside the box to enter his body. CLOUD, apparently realizing what KADAJ is doing, jumps off the ledge in pursuit. He sees KADAJ land at the bottom. But when CLOUD lands, he realizes that KADAJ has done something truly terrifying – well, terrifying to him, anyway, since if you've been paying attention to the film you would have seen this coming a mile away…

…KADAJ has transformed into SEPHIROTH.)

* * *

Even though Chapter 12 was my favorite one to write, this one has some of my favorite jokes. There are more references in this one (including _The Jetsons_, _The Simpsons_, and a rather easy "All Your Base" joke, among others) than in other chapters, which are more centered around whatever smartassed one-liners I can come up with, but I still had fun writing this chapter. My favorite bit is the lengthy interlude with Casual Gamer and the FF7 Fanboy near the start of the chapter. 

Well, two chapters left. And they're both pretty long. Chapter 16 in particular is rather lengthy because of how I wanted to end it. You'll see soon enough.

**Fun Fact:** So many possibilities for this chapter. But I'll go with the part where Tifa mentions how everyone was at or around level 66 when they beat Safer Sephiroth at the end of the game. This is a little in-joke that nobody's gonna get except for me without this little section here. My final party for Safer Sephiroth consisted of Cloud, Barret, and Tifa -- all of whom were at or around level 66 when I beat him for the first time. It took me about ten tries to finally kill him (thank you, Hades summon, for slowing him down!) because I was fighting him without any Level 4 Limit Breaks, no Knights of the Round, no W-Summon (although I think I had W-Magic and Mega-All, but I don't remember), and I think I had one character equipped with HP Plus and MP Plus materia. I've kept that save file for years and recently brought my "big three"up to around level 75 and gave every character one or two HP Plus and MP Plus materia. I alsogot W-Summon at the Gold Saucer and taught Cloud Omnislash and Tifa Final Heaven. And Omnislash is almighty. I will never fear the Supernova spell ever again.


	16. Chapter 16

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Here we go, kids! The big showdown with Sephiroth is about to begin! Doesn't it leave ya feelin' all tingly and nervous inside?

Well...if you've watched a lot of movies...no, it probably doesn't. We all know who's going to win this fight. But the fun is in getting there, right?

Anyway, I've done enough yapping for now. See you at the end of the chapter. Oh, and I still don't own anything.

* * *

16. ESTUANS INTERIUS, IRA VEHEMENTI, ESTUANS INTERIUS, IRA VEHEMENTI, SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH! (TRANSLATION: BUY THE SOUNDTRACK OR YOU'LL BE KILLED BY SEPHIROTH)

(CLOUD sees SEPHIROTH waiting for him at the bottom and tries to attack him, but SEPHIROTH blocks the attack.)

SEPHIROTH: Nice to see you too, Cloud. Sheesh…we finally meet again after two long years and this is how you greet me?

(SEPHIROTH knocks CLOUD away and jumps after him. They end up back on top of the buildings that CLOUD and KADAJ had fought on before. This scene serves as a break between KICKASS ACTION SCENES #6 and #7.)

SEPHIROTH: So, I see you've finally found a cure for your geostigma. Bravo, Cloud. Bravo.

CLOUD: What are you planning this time?

SEPHIROTH: Oh, nothing you'd be interested in.

CLOUD: Tell me, damn you!

SEPHIROTH: I see where this is going. Get the bad guy talking on and on about his evil scheme, and while he's talking you figure out a way to stop him. Come on, Cloud. I'm not that stupid. I've seen too many movies for that.

CLOUD: Tell me your plans right now, or I'll…

SEPHIROTH: Or you'll _what_? Kill me? Isn't that what you're about to try to do anyway?

CLOUD: Well, you must be planning something. Don't all villains have a plan?

SEPHIROTH: Why bother with the details? All you need to know is that I'm planning to conquer the entire universe, and I decided to start with this planet right here. Before long, I will finish off everyone who has geostigma. Once their infected souls enter the Lifestream, there will be nothing you can do for this planet. And then once this miserable little rock is under my control, I'll move on to the next planet. And I will create a perfect future there that Mother would be proud of.

CLOUD: What about this one?

SEPHIROTH: Honestly, I don't really care. But since you obviously do, I guess we'll just have to settle this the old-fashioned way…

CLOUD: A duel to the death?

SEPHIROTH: Damn straight.

CLOUD: Cool. Now I get to kill you for the third time.

SEPHIROTH: I wouldn't hold my breath.

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #7 begins. Meanwhile, something resembling a "black Lifestream" can be seen heading for Midgar and the nameless city.)

**(Scene switches to MARLENE and DENZEL back at their house in the nameless city. MARLENE hears something that sounds like a drop of water.)**

MARLENE: Oh, just what we needed…a leaky faucet.

CASUAL GAMER: They'd better not have cut away from Cloud and Sephiroth to show us a house with plumbing problems.

(There is a brief pause, and a mysterious voice can be faintly heard in the background.)

DENZEL: …Hey, did you hear something?

MARLENE: What?

DENZEL: I thought I heard a voice just now. It sounded like a girl, but I couldn't quite make out what she was saying…

MARLENE: Could it be…the flower girl?

DENZEL: Who?

MARLENE: Oh, that's right…you weren't in _FF7_, were you? You won't know who she is.

DENZEL: Are you kidding? Aside from you, Cloud, and Tifa, I don't know who _anyone_ is.

**(Scene switches back to CLOUD and SEPHIROTH. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #7 is in full swing now. SEPHIROTH knocks CLOUD into an old building and they continue to battle in there.)**

FF7 FANBOY: Come on, Cloud! Don't you remember how you beat him last time? OMNISLASH THAT FUCKER, DUDE!

(SEPHIROTH and CLOUD lock swords.)

SEPHIROTH: Damn. You've gotten better these last two years. Have you been leveling up?

CLOUD: Like I'm really gonna tell _you_ my secrets.

SEPHIROTH: It's a simple "yes or no" question, Cloud. The only other way you could have improved this much in two years is taking steroids. And since you're being so secretive, I guess I'll just have to assume that you've been juicing…you dirty rotten cheater.

CLOUD: I AM NOT ON STEROIDS!

(They continue to fight. SEPHIROTH takes control of the fight, jumps into the air, and continues to ascend. CLOUD jumps after him.)

FF7 FANBOY: (practically orgasmic) THIS IS SOOOOOOO FUCKING COOL! (to CASUAL GAMER) Isn't this the coolest fight scene _ever_?

CASUAL GAMER: …You know, it's a good thing Isaac Newton is already dead, because he'd want to kill himself after watching this movie.

FF7 FANBOY: Fuck you, man! This is awesome!

(SEPHIROTH continues to ascend upwards, taunting CLOUD all the way.)

SEPHIROTH: You don't stand a chance against me this time, Cloud!

(He slices through a piece of debris and sends it after CLOUD, who slices through it and keeps going.)

SEPHIROTH: I've already taken everything else from you! Now just let me put you out of your misery!

(He knocks CLOUD down, but CLOUD jams his sword into the wall and stands on it. He can see SEPHIROTH hovering above him.)

SEPHIROTH: On your knees…I want to finish you the same way I did your precious little girlfriend!

(More pieces of debris fall from the sky. SEPHIROTH slices through them as CLOUD takes out one of the six blades that are built into his huge sword and slices through them as well. Then SEPHIROTH attacks CLOUD, and CLOUD falls onto one of the falling pieces of debris. SEPHIROTH follows him and the fight continues. CLOUD then jumps off onto another building and falls to one knee. SEPHIROTH comes after him and attacks. CLOUD avoids it and is then pushed into a wall, where SEPHIROTH stabs him through the shoulder, pinning him to it.)

SEPHIROTH: Hmm…not exactly the way I had wanted to kill you. But if this is enough to do the job, then so be it.

(CLOUD says nothing. He winces in pain from the fresh wound.)

SEPHIROTH: Actually, I must say…I like this way better. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to stand here and watch you bleed to death at my mercy. When I impaled the Ancient, she died instantly. You, on the other hand, will go much slower…and much more painfully. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

CLOUD: (still in pain) You…bastard…

SEPHIROTH: (laughs at CLOUD) A fighter to the very end. I salute your spirit, kid. Really, I do. But I'm afraid that won't be enough to save you this time.

(There is a brief pause.)

SEPHIROTH: So…before you die, Cloud, I must ask you one last question. And I want you to give me an honest answer, all right? Oh, and don't worry…there are no wrong answers.

CLOUD: …Whatever.

SEPHIROTH: I'll take that as a "yes." So, here's the big question: What is it that you love the most in this world? What is the one thing that you care for above all others, that one thing that you would fight for more than anything else?

CLOUD: …Why should I tell you?

SEPHIROTH: Why else would I ask you such a question? I need your help.

CLOUD: …You…do?

SEPHIROTH: Of course I do…I'll need to find a new favorite target after I finish you off, won't I? And if it's a person, don't worry…I'll tell them you said goodbye before I kill them. So, let's hear it. What is it?

(CLOUD suddenly has a rapid-fire series of flashbacks. Finally, he grabs SEPHIROTH's sword, pulls it out of his shoulder, and stands up.)

CLOUD: You just don't get it, do you? No wonder you turned out to be such a miserable bastard.

SEPHIROTH: And you just don't give up, do you?

(SEPHIROTH tries to attack CLOUD, but CLOUD blocks him. SEPHIROTH then jumps off of a wall and hovers in midair. CLOUD jumps up after him.)

CLOUD: Everything and everyone is important to me!

(CLOUD pulls out his sword. The six swords inside it come out and form a circle around SEPHIROTH.)

CLOUD: Brace yourself, you son of a bitch. This is why they call me Captain Omnislash.

SEPHIROTH: (realizing what CLOUD is about to do) Oh, no…not again…

CLOUD: Yes…AGAIN!

(CLOUD performs Omnislash on SEPHIROTH. If you thought this move looked sweet back in 1997, you ain't seen nothin' yet.)

FF7 FANBOY: (jumps out of his seat, pumping his fist) YES! YES! OMNISLASH THAT FUCKER!

CASUAL GAMER: Dude…you're getting _way_ too worked up over this movie.

FF7 FANBOY: I love how you say that as if I give a damn!

CASUAL GAMER: I am never watching this movie with you again. You are an embarrassment.

(Omnislash does the trick once again – SEPHIROTH is finally defeated by CLOUD. CLOUD lands on the ground, watching SEPHIROTH slowly descend. A black angel wing is protruding from SEPHIROTH's back.)

CASUAL GAMER: So _that's_ why they call the song "One-Winged Angel."

FF7 FANBOY: What, you never noticed that? The angel wing was in the final boss battle too. Only it was white, not black.

CASUAL GAMER: Honestly, I was too busy healing my party after Supernova to notice.

FF7 FANBOY: Well, if you took the time to get the Omnislash manual, you wouldn't have had to worry, now would you?

CASUAL GAMER: Not all of us are able to screw around at the Gold Saucer for hours on end, you know.

CLOUD: (to SEPHIROTH) Now stay dead this time, Sephiroth. I'm getting tired of killing you. The only place where I ever want to see you again is in my mind.

SEPHIROTH: Well, since you asked so nicely…oh, and one last thing before I go, Cloud.

CLOUD: What?

SEPHIROTH: …Dilly dally…shilly shally.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

SEPHIROTH: Yes!

(The angel wing covers SEPHIROTH and he turns back into KADAJ. KADAJ stumbles about, having been thoroughly beaten by CLOUD, and tries to attack CLOUD but loses his balance, drops his sword, and falls into CLOUD's arms.)

KADAJ: You win…brother…

(AERITH's voice can be heard. Of course, KADAJ doesn't know the voice…)

AERITH: Kadaj? Are you there?

KADAJ: Huh? Who is that?

(It starts to rain.)

AERITH: Don't worry any more, Kadaj. You can let go now.

KADAJ: Mother? Is that you?

AERITH: Take my hand, Kadaj.

(KADAJ reaches his hand upward.)

KADAJ: Yes, Mother…

AERITH: Oh, and one more thing, Kadaj.

KADAJ: What is it, Mother?

AERITH: You sure are gullible.

KADAJ: What? (realizes that he's been tricked) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(AERITH pulls KADAJ into the Lifestream. KADAJ's body disintegrates and disappears, leaving CLOUD by himself.)

AERITH: Hee hee hee…fooled you!

CLOUD: Damn, Aerith. I didn't know you had it in you.

AERITH: Honestly, Cloud, I wasn't expecting him to fall for it. But he did…hook, line, and sinker. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some more work to do. See you later.

(The rain starts to cure everyone who has geostigma.)

**(Scene switches to MARLENE and DENZEL.)**

MARLENE: Hey, Denzel! I think it's safe now! We ought to go outside!

DENZEL: (sees the rain) Why, so I can catch a cold on top of my geostigma? Are you nuts?

MARLENE: Hmph. Suit yourself.

**(Scene switches to the Turks, who are surrounding RUFUS in his wheelchair.)**

RENO: Boss, we've already apologized for that little mishap with the net a gazillion times, so could you just let it go?

RUFUS: Reno, you are such a…hey, this rain is making me feel a lot better!

RUDE: Really? So does that mean we're off the hook?

RUFUS: I wasn't talking about the broken bones. They still hurt like a bitch. I'm talking about my geostigma.

RENO: Wait a minute, you had it too?

RUFUS: Of course I did. Why do you think I've been sitting in this wheelchair for the entire movie?

ELENA: But how did _you_ catch it? I mean, we already know how Cloud and the kids all caught it, but what happened to you?

RUFUS: Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? I don't have the disease anymore! You know what that means, you guys?

TSENG: Drinks are on you tonight?

RENO: Rude and I don't get fired?

RUDE: I finally get my raise?

RUFUS: No! It means I don't have to pay any more money for those doctors I had hired to treat me. Those quacks were robbing me blind! Now that I don't have geostigma anymore, I don't owe them a cent!

RENO: Well, as long as we're dreaming, we might as well dream big…

**(Scene switches to the Sierra and the rest of the _FF7_ main cast.)**

CID: Well, I'll be damned. The son of a bitch did it!

BARRET: Yeah, boy! I pity the fool who messes with Cloud Strife!

YUFFIE: That was so awesome!

TIFA: I knew he could do it!

CID: All right, people, calm down now. Time to go pick our boy up.

(TIFA looks up and sees a drop of the "holy water." Somehow she manages to figure out that it's AERITH. Don't ask me how. Call it a hunch, I guess.)

TIFA: (to AERITH) You know, I had a feeling you had something to do with all of this. Even in death, you've managed to one-up me once again. You may be gone, but I guess the friendly rivalry will always live on.

(She looks out the window toward CLOUD.)

**(Scene switches to CLOUD standing in the rain. All of a sudden a gunshot sounds and CLOUD falls to his knee. The shot has gone through his back.)**

CLOUD: OUCH! All right, who the hell just did that?

(We see YAZOO and LOZ standing behind CLOUD, apparently still weak from the motorcycle crash.)

YAZOO: You killed…our brother… (drops the gun)

LOZ: Now…we'll all join him…

CLOUD: Way to attack me when my back is turned, you wimps.

YAZOO: How…the hell…did that not…kill you?

LOZ: Relax, Yazoo…we'll get him.

CLOUD: You can try.

(CLOUD picks up his sword, turns around, and attacks YAZOO and LOZ. Could this be the beginning of KICKASS ACTION SCENE #8?)

YAZOO: Ready, Loz?

LOZ: Yeah…see you soon, Kadaj…

(They raise their arms and fire energy blasts at CLOUD. The attack causes a huge, fiery explosion. Of course, thanks to that "dilly dally, shilly shally" bonus, the animation studio couldn't afford the special effects required for this scene. Fortunately, Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer was kind enough to let them borrow some unused explosion footage from one of his movies, so theyjust used that instead and hoped nobody would notice. Nobody could have possibly survived that explosion…right?)

**(Scene switches to the Sierra again. The rest of the main cast have just seen the explosion.)**

TIFA: Cloud! No! You're not supposed to die…the heroes _never_ die in movies…

VINCENT: Don't worry. Square Enix doesn't like sad endings. Why else would they have made _Final Fantasy X-2_?

**(Scene switches to MARLENE and DENZEL.)**

DENZEL: Don't worry. He'll be back.

MARLENE: How do you know?

DENZEL: Call it a hunch.

* * *

Yeah, this is probably the longest and least funny chapter of the bunch. But hey, it's a climactic battle scene. Not much humor to be found in there, if you ask me. But I'm sure someone, somewhere, will find it. The chapter's still got its moments though. The Isaac Newton line is one of my favorites in the entire fic. Unfortunately, this chapter marks the last time we see the Turks, and I say unfortunately because I really liked writing their scenes.

You might remember how I decided against including an Adam Sandler cameo in Chapter 7. So why'd I name-drop Jerry Bruckheimer here? Because the explosion that supposedly "kills" Cloud made me think of Bruckheimer's movies, which are known for featuring big explosions. Jerry doesn't make a cameo, I'm simply using him as a punchline.

There's also an itty-bitty, teensy-weensy reference to _Spaceballs_ in here that's so small that I really shouldn't be counting it as a reference. It's the bit where Aerith tricks Kadaj into entering the Lifestream, and once he falls for it, she says, "Fooled you." If you've seen _Spaceballs_ you'll know the particular scene I'm talking about. Really, I only count it as a reference because I had _Spaceballs_ on the brain as I wrote it. And speaking of Mel Brooks, just about any time you read scenes here where characters acknowledge that they're making a movie, you're reading a nod to the man behind _Spaceballs_, _Blazing Saddles_, and _Young Frankenstein_, among others. It's a common joke in the films of his that I've seen.

One last chapter, folks. Hang in there!

**Fun Fact:** Apparently the "nameless city"where most of _Advent Children _(and by extension, this fic) takes place is actually called Edge. I don't think the film ever actually tells you this. You pretty much have to find that out on your own. Why? I don't really know.

**Fun Fact #2:** The title of this chapter consists of some ofthe Latin lyrics to "One-Winged Angel," the theme that plays during _FF7_'s Safer Sephiroth boss battle and perhaps Nobuo Uematsu's most famous piece of music. I think in English they actually mean "burning inside with violent anger." Not 100 sure of that, though.


	17. Chapter 17

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This is it, folks. The final chapter. I still own nothing, but I don't really care, because now I don't have to type up these author notes anymore.

* * *

17. ANOTHER TYPICAL TACKED-ON HOLLYWOOD HAPPY ENDING – BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO GO HOME UNHAPPY

**(Scene switches to a completely white background. We see CLOUD floating against the white background. This is apparently supposed to be heaven, but again, Square Enix ran out of money because of that stupid bonus, so they couldn't afford to make it look any cooler. Then AERITH reaches down and touches CLOUD's head.)**

CLOUD: …Mom? Is that you?

AERITH: Sorry, Cloud. I'm not _your_ mother either. I have met her, though. She seemed really nice. (to ZACK) It's funny how people keep mistaking me for their mother, isn't it?

ZACK: It's amusing, I'll give you that. But for what it's worth…I always thought you'd make a damn good mother, honestly. You were always pretty good with kids, and…

AERITH: Zack, we were teenagers when we were dating.

ZACK: And you had already matured far beyond your years.

AERITH: Funny you should say that, because there were days when I wondered if you'd ever act your age rather than your shoe size.

ZACK: True, but I always had pretty big feet, so I was never really that far off.

AERITH: (looks at CLOUD, although we can't see her face) So…what are we going to do with our old friend Cloud? Should he stay or should he go?

ZACK: If he goes, there could be trouble.

AERITH: But if he stays, there could be double.

AUDIENCE: Come on, you've got to let us know! Will he stay or will he go?

(ZACK and AERITH think about it for a moment.)

AERITH: You know what? We should let him go.

ZACK: Are you absolutely sure? I mean, you've got him all to yourself now, don't you? This is your chance to fulfill the love you never got a chance to share with him.

AERITH: How did you know that I loved Cloud?

ZACK: I read _The Maiden Who Travels The Planet_, Aerith. And I always kind of had a feeling you had a crush on him while you were still alive.

AERITH: You did?

ZACK: You're not the only one who likes to watch over people you cared about. It's a pretty common practice around here, actually.

AERITH: But still…as much as I'd love to be able to spend time with him again, I think we should send him back…just in case the world needs him again.

ZACK: (to CLOUD) You hear that, buddy? Looks like you're going home.

AERITH: (to CLOUD) Oh, and before you go…consider yourself forgiven.

(CLOUD appears to fall away from the white screen. It looks more like he's shrinking, but he's supposed to be falling. Suddenly he comes to a stop. The wolf that we've been seeing throughout the film shows up beside CLOUD and then vanishes into thin air, making it blatantly obvious what it was supposed to symbolize.)

CASUAL GAMER: That's it! I've finally got it!

FF7 FANBOY: Me too! I finally know what that wolf was supposed to symbolize!

CASUAL GAMER: …You first.

FF7 FANBOY: No, you first. I insist.

CASUAL GAMER: All right…the wolf symbolizes Cloud's personality, and its disappearance here is meant to signify a change in that personality.

FF7 FANBOY: …I'm afraid I don't follow.

CASUAL GAMER: Think about it. For the entire film, Cloud – sort of the alpha male of the cast of _FF7_ – has been doing his own thing. He's been shutting his friends out and going off by himself to do things. He spends most of his time making deliveries by himself. He runs his delivery service pretty much by himself. He hardly does anything at all with the help of others. So during the film, his big lesson is that he can't always depend on just himself – that he has friends to help him when he needs it. The disappearance of the wolf represents the epiphany – the moment that Cloud changes and starts becoming less antisocial.

FF7 FANBOY: And why would they use a wolf to symbolize _that_?

CASUAL GAMER: Well, what do we call a guy like Cloud who tends to go off and do things on his own most of the time? We call him a _lone wolf_. Therefore, the individual wolf, as opposed to a pack of wolves or anything else for that matter, is a totally appropriate symbol for his antisocial behavior.

FF7 FANBOY: …You, my friend, are a total fucking idiot.

CASUAL GAMER: What? Why? I thought that sounded pretty damn rational.

FF7 FANBOY: The wolf is clearly meant to symbolize Cloud's guilt. We see it in the beginning sniffing around Zack's sword, and we later see it standing near the lake where Aerith was laid to rest. Both are characters whose deaths Cloud claims responsibility for. The disappearance of the wolf represents Cloud being forgiven and freed of his guilt at last. If it was really meant to represent a change in his personality it would have disappeared during KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4. Therefore, I am right, and you are a total fucking idiot.

CASUAL GAMER: Well, maybe it's supposed to represent both.

FF7 FANBOY: No, it isn't. Using the same symbol for multiple concepts is too confusing. The wolf is only meant to symbolize his guilt. That's it. End of story. I'm right, and you're wrong.

CASUAL GAMER: Okay, then. So tell me something, Genius McSmartypants…why would they use a wolf to symbolize guilt? Is there any specific reason for that?

FF7 FANBOY: …

CASUAL GAMER: Well?

FF7 FANBOY: …

CASUAL GAMER: Come on, Einstein, you can tell me.

FF7 FANBOY: Well…you don't really need a reason for something to be a symbol. You just need it to symbolize something.

CASUAL GAMER: You're just pulling these answers out of your ass, aren't you?

FF7 FANBOY: I'm still right, though.

CASUAL GAMER: Oh, whatever. We've taken up way too much time with this little debate anyway. You can think whatever the hell you want.

(On with the film!)

**(Scene switches back to AERITH's church, where CLOUD suddenly wakes up. He is floating in a pool of water in the middle of the church. There are kids standing all around him.)**

CLOUD: Whoa! (splashes frantically as he tries to get to his feet) What's all this? How the hell did I get here? … Was I _dead_?

RANDOM LITTLE GIRL: She told us you'd come back.

CLOUD: (even more confused) _Who_ told you I'd come back?

(CLOUD looks over and sees the rest of his friends.)

CLOUD: Uh…hi, guys. A little help here would be great.

VINCENT: The pool you're standing in is filled with holy water that cures geostigma, we were the ones who found you and brought you here, and we never actually checked to see if you were dead. We always just kind of had a feeling that Square Enix would give in to the pressure to tack on a Hollywood happy ending where you don't die after all, rather than a more poignant ending where you die a hero and are reunited with your two dead friends to finally make peace with their spirits. So we didn't even bother checking your pulse, let alone make funeral arrangements. And what do you know…our assumptions were correct all along, and here we are appearing in yet another typical Hollywood happy ending.

CLOUD: Uh…thanks. So, who said I'd be coming back?

VINCENT: Now _that_ one I can't help you with. I have no idea what that kid was talking about.

CLOUD: Oh. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter now, does it? (smiles for the first time in the entire film, and possibly the first time in his entire life) I'm back!

RED XIII: And while it's great to have you back – and to _finally_ say something in this friggin' movie – there are still kids with geostigma.

TIFA: (standing next to DENZEL) Actually, I think Denzel's the last one. Everyone else who had it was cured by the rain.

RED XIII: Well, isn't this just peachy. My only line in the entire film and I end up sounding like an imbecile. Thanks a lot, Square Enix.

(TIFA then talks to DENZEL.)

TIFA: Go ahead, Denzel. I think it's about time we cured your geostigma. What do you say?

DENZEL: Sweet! (jumps into the water and walks over to CLOUD) Okay, Cloud, do the honors.

(CLOUD cups his hands, fills them with water, and drops it over DENZEL's head, curing his geostigma.)

CLOUD: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

DENZEL: What?

CLOUD: …I have no idea. I just felt like saying it.

CID: Hey, kids! POOL PARTY!

(All the kids jump into the water.)

BARRET: A pool party? Aw, hell yeah! (runs toward the water)

CLOUD: Barret, NO!

(BARRET does a cannonball into the water. Most of the water comes flying out and drenches the rest of the main cast.)

YUFFIE: Hey! There's WATER on my boots!

(CLOUD looks all around and sees kids playing in what's left of the water, thanks to BARRET's cannonball. He then looks over at his friends and sees TIFA giving him a look that basically says, "As soon as the cameras go off, you and I are finding a place to make out.")

CLOUD: Hey…

TIFA: What?

CLOUD: Why are you looking at me like that?

TIFA: Like what?

CLOUD: The way you're looking at me.

TIFA: I'm trying to be subtle.

CLOUD: Subtle? About what?

TIFA: About my urges to do this. (jumps in the water and gives CLOUD a passionate kiss on the mouth)

CLOUD: …Wow. That really explains a lot.

TIFA: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.

CLOUD: Actually…I always kind of had a feeling in the back of my mind that you did.

TIFA: Really?

CLOUD: Yeah. I just never did anything because I was afraid you'd tell me we were just friends and I'd have ended up making an ass of myself.

(TIFA smiles and hugs CLOUD. We then see BARRET surrounded by a bunch of kids, including DENZEL.)

BARRET: Hey, Tifa! We're about to start a game of Marco Polo! You wanna play?

TIFA: Sure! (goes over to join BARRET and the kids) You coming, Cloud?

CLOUD: …I'll be right over.

(He looks around a little more and sees AERITH and ZACK standing near the door.)

ZACK: Whoa! I know it's been seven years since I last saw her, but damn…Tifa's even hotter than I remember!

AERITH: (punches ZACK's shoulder) Zack!

ZACK: Sorry. Hey, look – I think Cloud can see us.

(AERITH looks and sees CLOUD staring at them. It's the first time we see her face in the entire film.)

CLOUD: So _that's_ what you look like in CG.

AERITH: Hello again, Cloud. Just wanted to see how you were doing, that's all.

CLOUD: Thanks for all your help.

AERITH: My pleasure. I could never stay mad at you, Cloud.

CLOUD: I'm glad to hear it. So…will I ever see you again?

AERITH: Of course you will, someday. We've got _Kingdom Hearts 3_ coming up, after all.

ZACK: Well, we'd better get going. I'll see you in _Before Crisis_, Cloud. Until then…have a nice life, bro.

CLOUD: And you have a nice afterlife.

ZACK: (looks at AERITH, then back over at CLOUD again and smiles) Oh, you _know_ I will.

AERITH: Take care, Cloud.

(They turn around and walk out the door into a bright white light.)

CLOUD: …Goodbye.

(ZACK and AERITH disappear. CLOUD watches them leave, and then turns to join a game of Marco Polo with his friends. On this happy note, the scene fades out.)

**(The credits roll over footage of CLOUD riding his motorcycle. Once the credits stop rolling, the film's logo appears on the screen one last time. Then the words "THE END" appear in the center of the screen with the famous "Prelude" music playing on the soundtrack. Once the film has reached this point, it is impossible to return to the DVD's main menu no matter what buttons you push unless you turn off the DVD player and then turn it on again. Enjoy the special features, folks.)**

THE END

* * *

Well, that's all I wrote. And I hope you all had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. But just a few more quick "Fun Facts" before I go.

**Fun Fact:** The wolf is actually meant to symbolize Cloud's guilt surrounding the deaths of Zack and Aerith. Which is all fine and good, but I never quite understood why they chose a wolf as the symbol. So I wrote the debate sequence between Casual Gamer and the FF7 Fanboy in the hopesof presenting a possible alternate argument that isn't true but makes more sense than what the actual explanation is. I just made up all that stuff Casual Gamer said about the wolf symbolizing Cloud's personality. This particular segment stands out as pretty much the only part of the fic where the joke can't be found in what the characters say, but rather what you're meant tounderstand as a result of what they say, if that makes any sense. But honestly, I had wanted that part to have funnier dialogue in it than "you're a fucking idiot."

**Fun Fact #2:** Every game in the _Final Fantasy_ series ends with a dark screen, usually with the words "THE END" written in the center, with the "Prelude" music playing on the soundtrack. It is impossible to exit this by pressing any buttons. You have to restart the machine to get back to the main menu. I just thought it would be funny if the _Final Fantasy_ movies did this too. And while I'm on the subject, I liked this movie better than _Spirits Within_.

**Fun Fact #3:** I started this fic on May 26 and finished it on July 12. I took some time off to think of new ideas from time to time, and it turned out a lot longer than I ever thought it would, but as I said before, I enjoyed writing it.

Peace, love, and all that other wonderful stuff. I'm out.


End file.
